Have I done any good?

Woke up this morning..after a really long night.  I have been sleeping on the futon mattress that we keep for S's sleep over's..on the floor in the living room.  It all started for one simple reason, the baby was sick.  He couldn't sleep next to M and I, so I slept with him on the futon mattress an entire week..got peed on, pooped on, and thrown up on.  Happy times...and then S got sick the next week, repeat some of the week for E, mainly the throw up and again I was sleeping on the futon..and last week I slept on the dang thing because our two little boys love to kick, hit, pull hair and keep their daddy awake all night if they sleep in our bed. And M needs his rest..he is a happier man if he gets his sleep.  It was just easier to sleep on the futon..and now I am paying for it! That really isn't the reason why I am posting this morning.  One of my really good friends is having a hard time, she and I were talking last night.  I invaded her home, because I needed a short break from mine..we began talking.  And realizing things.  After last night, I would just assume that my day today would be filled with thoughts that would bring me down, or keep me in my melancholy state that I have been in...and then I woke this morning, just ten minutes ago.  A hymn was making itself known in  my some what still sleepy brain...Have I done any good in the world today?  I don't think it's a coincidence this song is in my head right now.  I haven't ever really enjoyed that song..but it's stuck in my head, and I keep hearing the lines, "then wake up and do something more , then dream of your mansion above, doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure, a blessing of duty and love"  I always thought this meant work..but it isn't work.  It's doing good for others, because when we forget ourselves, bask in the work of love towards our fellow men, then we are building a stronger foundation.  It's so easy to get caught up in the have not's..it's so easy to forget the good in our lives.  (see my post about the refiner's fire) We are each striving to do our best.  Sometimes, we are doing GREAT, other times, we are struggling.  That is why we have each other...our brothers and sisters in this world. To help build each other up.  Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? I have cheered up the SAD, made someone feel GLAD? Has anyone's burden been lighter today, because I was willing to share? Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way? When they needed my help was I there? I think I am going to strive to do this more often..to ask that question of myself, each day...Have I done any good in the world today?  Try it with me. Let's see what happens!!

Refiner's Fire

I have been thinking a lot lately about what that statement actually means, the refiner's fire.  I suppose I have only thought about it during a church lesson, and I suppose I have only thought it meant that we can only be refined through repentance.  But I no longer believe that is the only case.  I have some issues with some things...like when I am sitting at church, and someone sprouts the whole "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it" quote..(which in Alma, he even states that the way is easy, we only make it hard..)or when someone says "we are only given trials we can handle.."  I don't think these are true.  I have had many trials in my life.  I know many people with very difficult and trying trials..I personally do not think Heavenly Father sits up in heaven and hands out trials.  I don't think he works that way.  If you think about it, if it did work that way, then we would be living Satan's plan, and not our Saviour's plan.  I think that He allows trials to happen.  That is the difference.  I am sure He would love to take away all our trials, He would love to see us happy all the time.  Because he is our heavenly parent, he would want what every parent wants...that their children be free of hardships, he would take away our pain, our heartaches, our suffering, etc.  He would.  Because he loves us.  But because He loves us, he allows life to happen.  he can't take away everything.  The eternal plan does not work that way, at least, that is how I understand it.  So, why do we have trials?  To refine us.  Every single day, we are being refined.  A metal worker doesn't just poke the metal in fire once..no, he allows the metal to get white hot, and then he pounds it, and he pounds it, and shapes it, and then he cools it..and then he repeats the process over until the desired effect is achieved.  That is the same way He works with us.  He shoves us into the fire..or life, and He then he takes us out, reshapes us, cools us down..and repeats the process until we are shaped into perfect beings...Life happens.  It has to happen.  I don't think i asked for my trials, but I am human, so trials will find me.  They will find you too.  We are mortal.  We are born to makes mistakes.  But because he loves us so infinitely, so dearly, he has given us this gospel.  I wish sometimes, that i didn't have my trials.  I wish that He could heal all my hurts, right this minute...but if he did, then I would not progress.  I would be stuck, where I am at now.  I don't want to be stuck.  I want to be refined.  Every single day, I am being refined, you are being refined.  He doesn't want us to be miserable, He wants to take away that pain..whatever pain we feel.  But He can't.  Because he knows better.  Through our trials, we can choose to either be devastated and lost, or we can give ourselves over to Him, and let him help us.  I don't think the Lord made my son have medical problems..I don't think He made my son die.  He had to let life happen.  He had too.  I don't know why I have some of the trials I do.  I don't know why I have to struggle in my marriage, I don't know why some days I want to run away from my life, especially on hard days when it seems like things never stop.  I don't know why...but I know that He has to let them come.  If not, how would I know?  How would I know I will see my son again, if He hadn't allowed the events of Quinn's life to progress as they did?  Sure, he could have healed my son.  he could have.  it would have been a wondrous miracle.  But I wouldn't have understood the sealing power of families..forever families and what that really means.  I wouldn't understand it fully. Back when I was younger and shy, and didn't have a lot of friends, and would sit by myself at lunch time, at my locker feeling lonely and wondering if anyone really loved me, he could have made it so I would always have friends around me.  I could have had a million friends...but then, if I didn't know those feelings of loneliness and shyness, I would be unable to help and understand and identify and sympathize with my own daughter, who is going through the same thing.  Life happens.  It always will.  I will still struggle, I will still have hard times, but I will also know, because of the hard times I have already gone through, that I am being refined.  It might be painful, it will certainly be a test...but I will be made bright, and shaped into his image..his and his alone.

Introducing again...

So, after making the decision to end my family blog for now, I have now decided to start another blog..yep. This one, however, will be dedicated to all things baking/cooking, and i will post recipes and such over there. You can find it over there...sugar lane eats.

I want this blog to be mainly just me...again. I am excited about the new blog. If you feel like it, pass it along. I would love to have it be a place to share recipes..because as you know, the kitchen is the heart of the home! So, if you would like to contribute and such, let me know. I would love it! :)

And if I seem a little wonky and crazy in post today, I sincerely apologize, I am running on less than three hours of sleep, and really, why am I this blog when I should be taking a nap? In fact I'm going to do that right now!

Two Recipes...and results

First up, I talked with the good old doc on Sunday, and although my heart is normal, I do have some signs of a sinus arrhythmia, which translate into: taking a small pill every day for the rest of my life. On to the recipes! I'm not sure if I have posted one before...and I'm too lazy to check, so if this is a repeat, sorry! And if not, enjoy!

First up,

Black Bean Burgers

as most of you know, I have been trying to cut out most meat from my diet, these little ditties certainly do the trick. I can't remember where I found the recipe. But, my kids will eat this without complaint, so try it out!

"Meatless Burgers"

1 can Northern beans

1 can green chili's

2 medium green onions

1 cup bread crumbs

1 egg

1/4 cup corn meal

2 tablespoons oil

5 slice Monterey Jack cheese

hamburger buns

place beans in blender and process until slightly mashed. In a bowl, mix beans, chili, onions, bread crumbs and egg together. Form into patties...I have used the corn meal to help form the patties because they tend to be sticky. Pat each patty in the corn meal, making a coat..Place oil in a skillet on medium heat, and cook the patties on both sides until crisp. Place on hamburger buns and assemble. This recipe is essentially a base. You can inter change most of the ingredients. For instance, I use black beans instead of northern beans because I like those better. I made these last week, and didn't add the chili's or green onions, but I did have some red bell pepper on hand, and cilantro. I also added some seasonings, like cumin and pepper to give it more of a mexican feel. My daughter requests these. try them for a meatless and yet healthy and yummy meal!

Next, you are going to love me....Cookie Dough Cupcakes...yep cookie dough cupcakes. I found this idea on my new favorite food blog, Meet Me in the Kitchen you can find her recipe here. The only part of the recipe that I kept the same was the cookie dough part. I didn't like how much butter the other recipe used, and personally, I like my buttercream frosting, so...here is my take on this cupcake..and if you have a chocolate chip cookie lover in your home, I am almost 100% positive they will LOVE this cupcake...

For the Cupcake: either use your favorite Vanilla cupcake recipe, or box..or you can use mine here:

Vanilla Cupcakes:

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room remperature

2 cups sugar

4 large eggs

2 3/4 cup all purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/8 teaspoon salt

1 cup milk

2 teaspoons vanilla.

Preheat oven to 350. Line cupcake pan with paper cups. In a mixer, mix the butter alone for about 1 to 2 minutes, let it get light and airy. Add the sugar and this important, beat the sugar and butter together for 2-3 minutes. This will seriously help your cupcake out! (trial and error, ladies) Add the eggs one at a time, allowing the egg to mix for 30 seconds each time...again, this is an important step you don't want to miss! Add in the baking powder, and then gradually add in the flour and last, the milk. Seems a little weird..usually you alternate..but trust me, this recipe works! Add the vanilla, and mix until just blended...be careful not to over mix! (at this point, you could add chopped chocolate pieces in with this if you want a more intense chocolate flavor to your cookie dough palate.) Fill each cupcake paper with about 2 tablespoons of batter, or if you have a ice cream scoop, use that. I tend to under fill the liners, unless I have the large nut cup size..which Michaels is forever out of... Bake for 20 minutes or until the cake bounces back up if touched with your finger..let cool mean while....

Cookie Dough Filling:

4 tablespoon unsalted butter, room temp

6 tablespoons brown sugar

1 cup plus 2 tablespoon all purpose flour

7 ounces sweetened condensed milk

1/2 tsp vanilla

1/4 cup mini chocolate chips..and sense I didn't have those on hand, I just chopped the chips I had into smaller bits..

Cream together the sugar and butter. Add in the flour and then the condensed milk with the vanilla. Mix in the chocolate. You can let the dough chill if you want too...I didn't and am glad I didn't...I will explain later....

Brown Sugar Buttercream

2 sticks of unsalted butter

1/4 cup or so of brown sugar

mix these together until the sugar is dissolved in the butter and then add:

About 2-3 cups of powder sugar, I'll leave it up to you. I like my frosting sweet, which is why i add more powder sugar, but some people like it not so sweet...Add about 2 cap fulls of milk (no measuring spoons needed!) and then add some vanilla. Another cap full. Mix that all together until you get the smoothness you want...add more milk if you want it extra smooth..and so on.

To assemble:

Cut a hole in each cupcake using a paring knife, I have also used the back end of a frosting tip..cut the excess cake off the top of your piece of cake you just cut. Fill a piping bag with the cookie dough filling..see, if it was chilled, it would be harder to work with, and I am all for easy steps! Place the top part of the piece of cake you cut back on the cupcake, hiding your filling, and then pipe on the buttercream, sprinkle with chocolate chips...sit back with a glass of milk and bite into heaven!!! :) Oh yeah, repeat the first couple of steps until all the cupcakes are done!

just quickly...

the results are in, and my heart appears to be normal. But they still haven't explained to me why it still hurts sometimes and why it skips a beat every couple of beats...but normal. Hopefully that means that i stressed out this week for nothing...

But thank you for your prayers! Seriously. I believe that it is because of the power of prayer that my heart is "normal" :)

Update...

Well, i went in for the echo cardiogram yesterday. A very long, very boring hour of laying on a bed. Why do they make ultrasound rooms dark, and warm? I wanted to take a nap! I haven't heard anything from the doctor's office yet. I called yesterday afternoon, but they have yet to call me back. So, I suppose I'm still in limbo. Which I hate. I just want to know! I want to move on from limbo, and from the uncertainty of the future...like tomorrow! I want to know what I can do so that I can live a very long time!

I have had a rough couple of days. From the emotions of not knowing, to the fear that this might not turn out so well, to the comfort of knowing that people who love me are praying for me, to disappointment...to peace.

Thank you for your prayers, for you love and support. Seriously, thank you. you will never know the extent of what your love has done for me.

Drama, thy name is EMILY

Okay, so I was all excited about this week. Could not be happier. I had a news resolution going on with supportive people (thanks Mindy for inviting me!) I was getting all my work outs in for my goal this month. I actually called a friend and had a great talk wit her (thanks Bri! because if you know me, you will know that I usually never call anyone..nope, not even family. It's a rarity. I don't know why...I just never call anyone!) and I had amazing comments posted on my blog..(thanks to you gals who read this little bit of me!) Things were looking, up, up, Up...and then yesterday happened. Let's see, shall I run through my day?

*woke up to the little man poking me in the and saying "ba, ba" a lot.

*got the boys ready headed out the door..forgot that L had a play date..again.

*while doing the Thursday errands, I noticed that my left side of my chest was feeling tight..shrug.

*started thinking more about my chest because it was not getting any better..started thinking immediately about what would happen if this chest thing was more than just a breathing problem..

*got to good old Wally-world (read the sarcasm..hate that place sometimes) get to the check out, super busy, was told to go to aisle 5, it was free. Not so, old Lady was there, demanding that they give her cash back from her check and stood there arguing over 5 cents. YEP, five cents! E tried to climb out of the cart..crying loudly that everything is "scary" and saying "DOWN" a lot. L trying to push buttons on the credit card scanner..

*come home, put away groceries, turn around E has dumped sugar all over the floor, and was sticking his hand in the shortening..

*chest still hurting, call the DR and made an appointment after scaring myself silly with all the articles online about chest pains..that was fun.

*Call my Dad in tears, freaking out, because it dawns on me that I have three grandparents who all had heart problems, two of which had surgery...really did not need the freak out..

*woke up this morning, noticed that the kids had managed to mess up the entire house while I was sleeping in, in fifteen minutes!

*turn around E is on top of my counter trying to get a piece of "dandy"

*go to make cupcakes, forgot to buy cocoa, run to dreaded Wally again..

*E has found his way back on to the counter...AGAIN

*E playing outside thinks it would be great to go down the slide while his brother is trying to climb up the slide..

*Me worried about my heart, again.

*go to the Docs, late as usual. Takes an EKG, takes an x-ray, waiting around for two hours.

*given Asthma meds to see if I just have a bronchiolitis thing..not helping me one micro second..

*told to schedule a echo cardiogram for next week, just in case it is not asthma..

oh yes, and the kicker, finding out that the good old kicker has enlarged about 50 % than where it should be. But everything else about the heart seems to be oookkaayy. Possibly.

*worried, and stressed.

See, lovely two days to end my week. So, I don't know if I'll accomplish my work out goals this month, at least not until I find out what is going on...