Hello World, It's been a While.

That title almost sounds like a Bon Jovi song...

I did not realize how long it had been since my last post.  Apparently I haven't had much to say.  Even know, I am struggling.  I have been reading too many blogs and feeling slightly less par, I suppose.  But hey, I am here now.  Time to start again.  As always.  Things have been busy around my house.  Ethan has been coming into his own.  He never stops.  He has been coloring all over the house.  I find his art work every where.  And when I say every where, I mean it.  He does this when I am sleeping, or going to the bathroom, or distracted by the phone or the Ipad, or cooking his meals.  He also loves playing outside and making mud pies.  His play house is filled with sand he has been spending the past four months transferring from the sandbox to the play house, one bucket full at a time.  It is now the mud house.  I love him.  Which is what I chant now every time he is up to something naughty, it seems to help slightly when I want to scream things.  I don't scream as loudly..or as long, or not at all when I say that, over and over and over again.  (which reminds me of a She &Him song)  Luke has been thriving in kindergarten.  He is a social butterfly. (can you call a boy a butterfly?) He loves kindergarten.  He loved learning about Thanksgiving.  He loved learning about the Indians and how they helped the Pilgrims plant their corn by putting fish in the garden, he wondered if we could put fish in our garden.  He did a great job singing in their kindergarten program.  He is one of the tallest in his class.  Which we knew and still can't believe.  Sariah had an accident two weeks ago.  She picked up a fork.  A fork?  Yep, a fork and injured her wrist.  She know has to wear a brace for two more weeks and then we go in for yet another appointment.  If it is not better by then we have to get an MRI done to see if something else is up.  YEAH.  she is growing up way too fast.  She looks older than 11, which can't be possible, it really can't.  I am too young to have a pre teen, really, I am.  Let's see...Thanksgiving was quiet this year.  It was spent at my parents house, which I love.  I enjoyed the caramel  yam the most this year.  Maybe because that is the only time I eat yams?    My kids got a lot of time with Grandma G.  They love that.  We put up our tree this year.  Mike got to put lights on the tree. (we got a new tree last year, no pre-lite tree..)  He picked colored lights.  Which wouldn't be that big of deal, except all my ornaments are red and white.  I don't really like the colored lights.  It looks off to me, but I decided not to change anything on the tree this year, and I let the kids just decorate the tree how they wanted and it is now the morning after and ladies, I have not touched the tree!  This is a huge step for me. :)

I am sure that other delightful things have happened, and I am sure I will think of them once I end this post.  But my brain is foggy from some dayquil I took, thank you little E man for giving me your cold..so I am off to veg out on the couch and watch Modern Family..oh my my.

Bad Mom Moments

You know you are a bad mom when you go to the store, and suddenly notice that your child has a dirty face, but not just a dirty face.  NO.  He has dirt all over his body, from head to toe.  The worst part?  You just shrug your shoulders and go into the store anyway.  Hopefully you don't run into anyone you know.

You know you are a bad mom when you encourage you five year old to skip school to stay at home, because GRANDPA and GRANDMA are coming to town, you even encourage you child to tell his teacher.  At least he got his homework done yesterday!

You know you are a bad mom when your daughter starts crying because you told her that the word "also" did not have to be in her language arts paragraph, and that using the word "fun" in a sentence twice isn't necessary and to think of another word and she protests that she does not know another word for FUN.

You know you are a bad mom when your kids are eating out of the cereal box and seven because you were too busy to make dinner.

If you can't tell, my life has been a little crazy.  I have spent all day cleaning my daughter's bedroom.  GASP.  I know, she is old enough to clean her room, and I know that having her clean her room teaches irresponsibility and integrity..but after three months (no joke) of telling her that her room did in fact need to be cleaned, and even after threats of dire consequences, and still the room looked like a flash flood, tornado and earth quake had invaded it was time to step in.  By stepping in, I really mean, throwing away a lot of junk.  Three hours and two garbage bags later the room was finally up to my standards with threats that if she does not keep it clean, then she will come home to an empty bedroom.

I have also taken it upon myself to make Luke's birthday cake.  He wanted a SUPER MARIO BROTHERS cake.  DUH me, thought this would be brilliant.  because you know, I have so many success stories on decorating cakes, why not just jump right in and make one?  WHAT AM I THINKING?  making the cake has been an adventure.  It started out with planning, and sketching and making.  Chocolate plastic my friends.  I thought, hey I can do this, it's just shapes!  UM..I forgot that i am not artistically inclined.  Oh well.  At least it will taste good right??

Now it's a matter of waiting for the aforementioned grandparents to arrive and have my weekend full of family and hopefully lots of fun.

We survived the first week of school

Being the great mom I am, I don't have any pictures of Sariah's first day of school, I was sleeping when she left.  In fact, I had no clue what she wore on her first day, or even if she had done her hair and had her lunch ready, because I am that great of a mom!  I was sleeping...but she was fine, and she is very independent, so she didn't mind that I wasn't awake (or at least I hope she didn't mind)..she has to get up at the crack of dawn and head to the bus stop, and me?  Well, I enjoy sleeping.  Sariah made it to all her classes without any problems, she was relieved that she had home lunch, because as she put it, "the lunch line was out the door, MOM!" and after two weeks, she has figured out how to open her gym locker!  Shy Sariah has been willingly talking to the kids in her class, and has started on her own, to make friends, we are very excited by this!  Maybe growing almost two inches in the summer helped?(she is now as tall as me..hard thing to do, I know)  As the weeks go by, I hope that her confidence will grow as well.  She loves her Chinese class and her science class, she hates her social studies teacher, and she loves lunch time with her best friend in the whole world, besides her mom..JESSICA BILLS.


Luke..what can I say about this silly boy of mine?  He was very excited about kindergarten.  He didn't even want me to drive him to school, he wanted to ride the bus..apparently, being in the pick up line is not a cool thing in kindergarten...I took pictures, but am too lazy to put them on the computer right now..so, those will be added later.  He did not want his picture taken, it was getting in the way of going to school.  He looked a little nervous when he got on the bus, but I am sure he loved riding it!  He wasn't sure about the no seat belt thing..but he survived. (I made it without shedding any tears..even though they were welling up in my eyes as he climbed the stairs on the bus..my little buddy was leaving me, AHHHH!) He met a little boy his age at the bus stop and they have become friends! (he was so worried about not making any friends, and I told him he was really good at making friends, to which he replied, "I am, Mom, huh?"Luke is not shy, and if he can get you to laugh at the words poop, pooh or fart, you will be his best friend) 


We are now in our second week of school and our routine is pretty much set.  Luke loves going to school after lunch..(he didn't want morning kindergarten because he thought he wouldn't get to eat lunch, what, does he think i would let him starve?  Maybe I am that great of a mom!) Luke doesn't remember all the rules of his class..but ONE: KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF.  I have a feeling that rule was said a lot the first week.  Luke's favorite part about kindergarten?  He gets to go to the gym on Wednesday and play in there (he even showed me some of the fancy moves he has learned from the P.E. Teacher, they are very fancy!)..his least favorite part?  Story time, because according to Luke, you can't get up and get a drink or go to the bathroom.  (I am thinking it's because he has to sit still for a long time..Luke doesn't like to sit still, EVER)  


Ethan and I have enjoyed our time together, he is obsessed with the Ipad, and I have to take that blasted thing away from him, ALL THE TIME. He is also obsessed with gum, any flavor, and he knows where I stash my gum.  He has been counting, and dancing, and twirling and getting into lots of trouble..of course, he wouldn't be Ethan if he wasn't getting into trouble..he goes down for a nap around 1, so I have about an hour of just Mommy time until Sariah gets home from school.  Ethan is always sad when we get home from the bus stop..he tells me in a very sad voice that Luke went on the bus. (yesterday, he wore my brown high heels to the bus stop, and didn't take them off until nap time, he loves, loves, LOVES shoes, his favorite are the princess shoes at grandma's house) I just lost my train of thought..which means I must be done reporting on our first week of school!  Here's to nine months of school! And SLEEPING IN..WHICH I ENJOYED ONCE AGAIN, THIS VERY MORNING! (and I really do miss Sariah and Lukey when they are gone..I love when they come home! Can I just keep them here with me, FoReVeR, is that possible? 

Am I really that old?

I feel like I am still really young, like somewhere in my twenties.  I doubt I will ever feel really old.  And then I have moments like Thursday, that just proves to me that no matter how hard I try, I will age.  What brought this knowledge full fledged to my brain?  Walking around my daughter's new school and realizing that it has been a very, very long time since I have had to transverse the crowded hallways of in my case, junior high. (Sariah is going to the Intermediate school..which for those of you who don't live in lovely WASH CO..is a 6th and 7th grade school) Sariah has left behind elementary, and judging from all the paper work we received on back to school night, and all the supplies we had to buy..elementary is far, far, far, behind us.  Sariah is excited.  She wanted to get all her supplies that very day, but I was tired and needed to make a very long list of things we needed for my sweetness.  She is nervous, I could tell because she kept walking very, very fast, because it mattered to get through her schedule over and over again.  She clutched onto her schedule with all her might and she got us to all her classes without a hitch. (and side note, most of the kids in the hallway were all taller than me or close to it.  I really did feel like a 7th grader right then)  She wants to be older, I think.  Me?  I still want Sariah to be five.  She was worried about not knowing many kids, but I told her that eventually she will know most of them, and I think she is a little worried about fitting in.  I am worried for her..mainly because walking through those halls brought back a lot of memories of me as a seventh grader.  SHUDDER.  But i think she will do extremely well.   But, really, dear readers, am I really, really, really, that old?  I have a sixth grader who proudly told me yesterday that she is as tall as me.  Has 11 years really gone by this fast?  I am scared that the next 11 will fly by.  Good thing little man Ethan will be here in my home a lot longer..just to give you some perspective on my future life: When Sariah is in high school and learning to drive, Ethan will be in second grade and Luke will be just starting 6th.  Then i really will be old.  And in that time, you can tell me that!  But not right now!  Right now, I want to pretend that I am still 25.

can summer be over so soon?

We have two weeks.  Yep, two weeks and my kiddos are heading to school.  Sariah will start at the intermediate school.  She is excited, I'm nervous.  She is taking drama and choir.  She even wants to ride her bike.  Sariah.  She hasn't touched her bike in like two years.  I don't think she fits on that bike now.  Luke is starting kindergarten.  he's excited.  I am excited.  He is a super social, nice and somewhat well behaved little man, I think he will have a lot of fun..until someone pumps into him, or  touches him while sliding down the slide..there might be tears and screams.  Ethan will be home with mommy, all by himself.  I am not sure what we will do.  Probably watch a lot of Finding Nemo.  He loves that show, maybe a little too much?  But being the sucker I am..sometimes I let him watch him three times a day.  I don't feel guilty for that.  I need to get stuff done, and sometimes that is the only way anything will be accomplished in my house! But he still hangs onto me like a monkey..so

I will be keeping my house clean from the hours of nine to 12:30, so if you want to stop by during those hours, then I will let you in.  If you stop by after I will not apologize for the mess!  It has been a challenge to keep my tiny house clean.  And honestly, some days, I just don't want to clean it up!  I believe in weekends being free... :)

Eight Years

Today was a bitter sweet day.  I got to spend the entire day with my kids, running errands, getting treats and listening to them talk.  It was also a day for remembering.  I know I have posted about Quinn before.  Every day, I am reminded of him.  EVERY DAY.  It is in the little things...like when Luke gives his funny little (loud) laugh because he has discovered something funny, usually only to himself, or when Sariah looks at me with her big brown eyes and asks how I am doing and when she is so willing to help with her younger siblings..who are sometimes very annoying to her, or when Ethan does something silly, like singing songs with words only he can understand, but he is having a grand old time singing them!  I love when he shoots his eyebrows as far as they will go, and he tells me something in his little voice, like when he slapped my bum and said his very first full sentence.."Mom go to room and get GUM!".  These are moments when I remember Quinn, and feel that tingle in my heart, and wish above all else that he could be here, experiencing these moments with us. I knew that today would either be one filled to the brim with sadness, or one filled with happiness.  I chose to have a happy day.  I could have drowned in my sorrow, and I could have easily gotten lost in the pain of loosing a precious child, but I chose not too.  A line from a hymn came into my head this morning, today, of all mornings.  "The Lord is on my side"  from Let Us All Press On, in the hymn book.  Just that line.  He really is on my side.  Even when life is getting to me and I am not doing my best in all things, He is still on my side.  I believe he gave me this day to rejoice in the knowledge of eternal families.  Yes, it's hard, yes this day will always bring back those memories, and that deep sense of longing and loss, but I can still fill joy in the blessing I have each day.  Because He is on our side.

When I have a moment, I will write a wonderful spill about how my summer has been going..for now you will have to settle for a quick overview..

We went up to Lagoon...hot, lots of strange people, baby hating almost everything about that place, and lots of fun rides
Cold pool..freezing cold pool..don't you northern Utahan's heat your swimming pools?
Horses, a trout farm, and my son trying to steel a baby kitten.
Hanging out at home, a lot.  And by a lot I mean, mostly that is what we are doing.

We did, however, manage some swimming today, it was cloudy, the pool was cold..don't you southern Utahans know how to heat a swimming pool? And now I can smell cupcakes..time to frost!

I promise, my next post was amaze you!

Summer is almost here

Have you looked outside yet?  Today there is sun, actual sun shinning through my windows!  It is a glorious and long awaited sight!  This spring has been full of guessing.  A few weeks ago, if you went outside you would get burned..(I had the red skin to prove that) and then it started cooling down, and we had rain storms, and lots of clouds.  I am so happy to see the sun again!  YEAH FOR SUN!

So, after thinking a lot about some things..I have decided to start including family stuff on this blog.  M liked the idea of me keeping a journal of family events online.  Plus, I had my old blog published, and we love looking at the book.  I have been learning some things from other blogs..(Angie and Mindy) so, I have am going to try and keep this light hearted and about good things.  I don't want to live my life sulking. :)

Here are a few things that have been going on in our Family.

As I posted earlier, my Grandpa G passed away two weeks ago, on May 11.  He was 87.  We love him, and we miss him.  I don't think it actually hit me until I was sitting in the funeral services..(which fyi were 2 1/2 hours long) I was thinking about the last time I saw my grandpa.  He use to place both his hands on my cheeks and kiss me with some gusto right on the lips.  I realized that I won't feel his scratchy whiskers on my lips any more.  That was a hard thing to face.  But, he was such a good man, and he waited so long to see my Grandma again.  I can't be too sad about it.  He was a WW2 vet.  He fought in the Pacific.  He was a scout for his unit, so often times, he was the first to engage with the enemy, and often times, he would see his buddies die...He was BRAVE and FUNNY, and STRONG.  And HANDSOME.

My sister was put in charge of getting all the pictures ready.  She was leaving her house and went to pick up all the pictures at Costco...and to her dismay, not one turned out.  She called me, and I tried to figure out what was wrong.  My Photoshop skills are limited, to say the least, but we needed those pictures!  So, I sat down and tried to figure out what was wrong..turns out my aunt had scanned the pictures in a very low resolution, which resulted in very blurry and very unusable photos.  I spent four hours fixing that problem.  A lot of the pictures were scanned from the originals, which were old and needed a lot of love.  This is just and example below:

My entire family came down for the funeral.  They rented a house in Green Valley and we spent most of our time over there...all but for Ethan and Mike.  Ethan had a nasty cold, and my sisters...well, to put it lightly, are germ-a-phobes..so E stayed away for the most part.  I missed my baby!  S and L played their last soccer games on Saturday.  S is pretty timid on the field still....but I really don't mind.  She is a sweet and kind girl, and she would never want to take anything from anybody..even a soccer ball in the middle of an intense game.  L showed off his skills and even made a goal.  He was very pleased with himself.  Although, he was upset because baby E drank all his water.  Ooops.

Now we are counting down till the end of school, which happens to be Wednesday.  We are going camping on Friday..hopefully it will turn out!  Wish us luck!

This week

There has been a lot going on lately.  I have been checking in, but I haven't had much to say.  I am going on about three hours of sleep..and I am still awake.  I should have been in bed two hours ago.  The fates like to tease me though.  The kiddos did not want to fall asleep in a timely manner tonight.  And the bright lights from my computer screen sure isn't helping me with feeling sleepy.  Here are a few things that have been happening..

M and I celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary.  He was at first opposed to doing much.  Same old, same old was good enough for him.  But I planted the seed for a official celebration last November and have been working on growing that puppy a lot.  M booked a hotel room and we made plans to get away.  We dropped the boys off at my MIL's and left happily.  I think we were both looking forward to the quiet.  It was very nice.  We went shopping, we took our time..M took me to the oldest joint in town, The Frostop, where we ate hamburgers and munched on fries.  Then we looked for some cast iron skillets, because my non-stick pans that have survived these twelves years are starting to show their wear..and then we went and saw a movie.  I wanted to watch "Hanna", but we were late getting to the theater, so M picked "Priest"  I spent most of the movie hiding behind my hands.  I hate movie that have a lot of silent, waiting for something to pop out unexpectedly movies.. We then decided to try a new restaurant in town..and I would not recommend it.  It was alright, but I would have been much happier with my Cafe Rio salad.  We had a soccer game to go too in the morning, so our anniversary was short, but sweet.  12 years.  I honestly cannot believe it has been that long.

We also received the news that my Papa Gentry had passed away.  Although this news was not unexpected, it is still hard to loose a loved one.  I don't think it has hit yet.  Most likely it won't until I am sitting in the funeral, and I realize that I will not hear my Grandpa tell me stories any more in this life.  it is times like these, however, that remind me of my faith.  And that I know my Pops in with his wife, and that he is happy, they are reunited after 18 long years.  It's about time, I think it what Grandma would say to him. And he would tease her about wanting to stay longer.. Grandpa loved to tease.  I am grateful for the time I had to spend with him.  I was lucky enough to visit him often when I moved down to Dixie.

And to top off this week, E has decided to become sick.  Poor kid.  He had a low grade fever for three days, and he kept telling me his bum hurt..so i took him to the doctor.  Two hours later, we decide to just do a catheter and find out if he had a UTI, and after the pain and torture..he was fine.  Yesterday his nose started running, and now he has a cough.  He runs away from me whenever I need to change his diaper!  Poor, poor, baby!

A highlight, however, of this week, was visiting with my long lost (well, not lost, but very far away) friend, Denise, she even brought along her husband so that I could meet him!  One day, I will make it over to Switzerland to see her! :)

A Challenge

The past couple of weeks have been extremely busy and hard.  I have been trying to be positive, an aspect that I tend to overlook.  A good friend of mine has started writing her top ten things she likes about herself every single day, not just once, every day.  I like this idea.  Do we ever actually realize what we are good at?  The paradox of being human, I suppose.  We have all these amazing qualities, each and every one of us, and yet we are always wondering if we are measuring up.  It reminds me of an episode of one the shows I watch, where the FBI agent is trying to get a suspect to talk, and the suspect is refusing..so the FBI agent says something to the effect "let the record show that so and so is holding back information pertinent to this investigation.." and suddenly, almost as if by magic, the suspect talks, because he doesn't want to be on record..after giving up the information the FBI wanted, the agent says something like "by the way, there is no record".  Who is really keeping score?  In the grand scheme of things, who is really sitting there tallying up everything you are doing?  And why is it that we keep score on ourselves?  Why not just say, in a loud voice, or a quiet voice, or a normal voice, or a whisper, a shout, a scream, a proclamation,...I AM A BEAUTIFUL GOOD PERSON!  See, it really isn't that hard.  Try it.  Shout it.  Exclaim it!  YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, UNIQUE PERSON.  It is so easy to look at all the things we aren't good at.  To compare ourselves to what we perceive others have.  I am guilty of this.  I look at my sister, who is super mom. I look at the ladies in my ward, who all seem to live in giant homes, with designer clothes and who can give their kids every thing they want, I look at my friends who seem so strong, who have talents I wish I had.  I compare, and I despair.  Why can't I have those things?  Why can't I be super mom?  Or live in a big house, or have faith that is strong, or talents like sewing, painting, being a good listener, a strong woman, or a good friend, or a really good scheduler, or.....WHY?  And I give up, I see only the things I don't have, or that I am horrible at and I get so caught up in what I AM NOT that I forget WHO I AM.  So, I challenge you and myself, to be like my friend and find ten good things about you, and write them down on your blog.  Challenge your friends to do the same.  It's like when we they make us stand when we are in young women's and say the theme "We are daughters (and sons) of Heavenly Father, who loves us and we love him" Isn't it about time that we show him that we love what he gave us?  US?  He gave us this life, he gave us this world, he gave us everything we needed to see how much we are WORTH.  Challenge yourself, your family, your neighbors, your friends.  I bet you can find ten things you are good at, I bet you can find about a thousand more if you really took the time!  The possibilities are endless here, LADIES!

Ten Things I like about ME

1. I have a great listening ear
2. I am a good reader
3. I am a mother who tries
4. I am a good, honest person
5. I help others out
6. I can bake a mean cupcake
7. I can write some pretty good stories
8. I try to be compassionate to those around me (most of the time)
9. I am patient with others
10. I love to sing and shake my booty! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kw6gWE4q1b8

Have I done any good?

Woke up this morning..after a really long night.  I have been sleeping on the futon mattress that we keep for S's sleep over's..on the floor in the living room.  It all started for one simple reason, the baby was sick.  He couldn't sleep next to M and I, so I slept with him on the futon mattress an entire week..got peed on, pooped on, and thrown up on.  Happy times...and then S got sick the next week, repeat some of the week for E, mainly the throw up and again I was sleeping on the futon..and last week I slept on the dang thing because our two little boys love to kick, hit, pull hair and keep their daddy awake all night if they sleep in our bed. And M needs his rest..he is a happier man if he gets his sleep.  It was just easier to sleep on the futon..and now I am paying for it! That really isn't the reason why I am posting this morning.  One of my really good friends is having a hard time, she and I were talking last night.  I invaded her home, because I needed a short break from mine..we began talking.  And realizing things.  After last night, I would just assume that my day today would be filled with thoughts that would bring me down, or keep me in my melancholy state that I have been in...and then I woke this morning, just ten minutes ago.  A hymn was making itself known in  my some what still sleepy brain...Have I done any good in the world today?  I don't think it's a coincidence this song is in my head right now.  I haven't ever really enjoyed that song..but it's stuck in my head, and I keep hearing the lines, "then wake up and do something more , then dream of your mansion above, doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure, a blessing of duty and love"  I always thought this meant work..but it isn't work.  It's doing good for others, because when we forget ourselves, bask in the work of love towards our fellow men, then we are building a stronger foundation.  It's so easy to get caught up in the have not's..it's so easy to forget the good in our lives.  (see my post about the refiner's fire) We are each striving to do our best.  Sometimes, we are doing GREAT, other times, we are struggling.  That is why we have each other...our brothers and sisters in this world. To help build each other up.  Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? I have cheered up the SAD, made someone feel GLAD? Has anyone's burden been lighter today, because I was willing to share? Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way? When they needed my help was I there? I think I am going to strive to do this more often..to ask that question of myself, each day...Have I done any good in the world today?  Try it with me. Let's see what happens!!

Refiner's Fire

I have been thinking a lot lately about what that statement actually means, the refiner's fire.  I suppose I have only thought about it during a church lesson, and I suppose I have only thought it meant that we can only be refined through repentance.  But I no longer believe that is the only case.  I have some issues with some things...like when I am sitting at church, and someone sprouts the whole "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it" quote..(which in Alma, he even states that the way is easy, we only make it hard..)or when someone says "we are only given trials we can handle.."  I don't think these are true.  I have had many trials in my life.  I know many people with very difficult and trying trials..I personally do not think Heavenly Father sits up in heaven and hands out trials.  I don't think he works that way.  If you think about it, if it did work that way, then we would be living Satan's plan, and not our Saviour's plan.  I think that He allows trials to happen.  That is the difference.  I am sure He would love to take away all our trials, He would love to see us happy all the time.  Because he is our heavenly parent, he would want what every parent wants...that their children be free of hardships, he would take away our pain, our heartaches, our suffering, etc.  He would.  Because he loves us.  But because He loves us, he allows life to happen.  he can't take away everything.  The eternal plan does not work that way, at least, that is how I understand it.  So, why do we have trials?  To refine us.  Every single day, we are being refined.  A metal worker doesn't just poke the metal in fire once..no, he allows the metal to get white hot, and then he pounds it, and he pounds it, and shapes it, and then he cools it..and then he repeats the process over until the desired effect is achieved.  That is the same way He works with us.  He shoves us into the fire..or life, and He then he takes us out, reshapes us, cools us down..and repeats the process until we are shaped into perfect beings...Life happens.  It has to happen.  I don't think i asked for my trials, but I am human, so trials will find me.  They will find you too.  We are mortal.  We are born to makes mistakes.  But because he loves us so infinitely, so dearly, he has given us this gospel.  I wish sometimes, that i didn't have my trials.  I wish that He could heal all my hurts, right this minute...but if he did, then I would not progress.  I would be stuck, where I am at now.  I don't want to be stuck.  I want to be refined.  Every single day, I am being refined, you are being refined.  He doesn't want us to be miserable, He wants to take away that pain..whatever pain we feel.  But He can't.  Because he knows better.  Through our trials, we can choose to either be devastated and lost, or we can give ourselves over to Him, and let him help us.  I don't think the Lord made my son have medical problems..I don't think He made my son die.  He had to let life happen.  He had too.  I don't know why I have some of the trials I do.  I don't know why I have to struggle in my marriage, I don't know why some days I want to run away from my life, especially on hard days when it seems like things never stop.  I don't know why...but I know that He has to let them come.  If not, how would I know?  How would I know I will see my son again, if He hadn't allowed the events of Quinn's life to progress as they did?  Sure, he could have healed my son.  he could have.  it would have been a wondrous miracle.  But I wouldn't have understood the sealing power of families..forever families and what that really means.  I wouldn't understand it fully. Back when I was younger and shy, and didn't have a lot of friends, and would sit by myself at lunch time, at my locker feeling lonely and wondering if anyone really loved me, he could have made it so I would always have friends around me.  I could have had a million friends...but then, if I didn't know those feelings of loneliness and shyness, I would be unable to help and understand and identify and sympathize with my own daughter, who is going through the same thing.  Life happens.  It always will.  I will still struggle, I will still have hard times, but I will also know, because of the hard times I have already gone through, that I am being refined.  It might be painful, it will certainly be a test...but I will be made bright, and shaped into his image..his and his alone.

Introducing again...

So, after making the decision to end my family blog for now, I have now decided to start another blog..yep. This one, however, will be dedicated to all things baking/cooking, and i will post recipes and such over there. You can find it over there...sugar lane eats.

I want this blog to be mainly just me...again. I am excited about the new blog. If you feel like it, pass it along. I would love to have it be a place to share recipes..because as you know, the kitchen is the heart of the home! So, if you would like to contribute and such, let me know. I would love it! :)

And if I seem a little wonky and crazy in post today, I sincerely apologize, I am running on less than three hours of sleep, and really, why am I this blog when I should be taking a nap? In fact I'm going to do that right now!

Two Recipes...and results

First up, I talked with the good old doc on Sunday, and although my heart is normal, I do have some signs of a sinus arrhythmia, which translate into: taking a small pill every day for the rest of my life. On to the recipes! I'm not sure if I have posted one before...and I'm too lazy to check, so if this is a repeat, sorry! And if not, enjoy!

First up,

Black Bean Burgers

as most of you know, I have been trying to cut out most meat from my diet, these little ditties certainly do the trick. I can't remember where I found the recipe. But, my kids will eat this without complaint, so try it out!

"Meatless Burgers"

1 can Northern beans

1 can green chili's

2 medium green onions

1 cup bread crumbs

1 egg

1/4 cup corn meal

2 tablespoons oil

5 slice Monterey Jack cheese

hamburger buns

place beans in blender and process until slightly mashed. In a bowl, mix beans, chili, onions, bread crumbs and egg together. Form into patties...I have used the corn meal to help form the patties because they tend to be sticky. Pat each patty in the corn meal, making a coat..Place oil in a skillet on medium heat, and cook the patties on both sides until crisp. Place on hamburger buns and assemble. This recipe is essentially a base. You can inter change most of the ingredients. For instance, I use black beans instead of northern beans because I like those better. I made these last week, and didn't add the chili's or green onions, but I did have some red bell pepper on hand, and cilantro. I also added some seasonings, like cumin and pepper to give it more of a mexican feel. My daughter requests these. try them for a meatless and yet healthy and yummy meal!

Next, you are going to love me....Cookie Dough Cupcakes...yep cookie dough cupcakes. I found this idea on my new favorite food blog, Meet Me in the Kitchen you can find her recipe here. The only part of the recipe that I kept the same was the cookie dough part. I didn't like how much butter the other recipe used, and personally, I like my buttercream frosting, so...here is my take on this cupcake..and if you have a chocolate chip cookie lover in your home, I am almost 100% positive they will LOVE this cupcake...

For the Cupcake: either use your favorite Vanilla cupcake recipe, or box..or you can use mine here:

Vanilla Cupcakes:

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room remperature

2 cups sugar

4 large eggs

2 3/4 cup all purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/8 teaspoon salt

1 cup milk

2 teaspoons vanilla.

Preheat oven to 350. Line cupcake pan with paper cups. In a mixer, mix the butter alone for about 1 to 2 minutes, let it get light and airy. Add the sugar and this important, beat the sugar and butter together for 2-3 minutes. This will seriously help your cupcake out! (trial and error, ladies) Add the eggs one at a time, allowing the egg to mix for 30 seconds each time...again, this is an important step you don't want to miss! Add in the baking powder, and then gradually add in the flour and last, the milk. Seems a little weird..usually you alternate..but trust me, this recipe works! Add the vanilla, and mix until just blended...be careful not to over mix! (at this point, you could add chopped chocolate pieces in with this if you want a more intense chocolate flavor to your cookie dough palate.) Fill each cupcake paper with about 2 tablespoons of batter, or if you have a ice cream scoop, use that. I tend to under fill the liners, unless I have the large nut cup size..which Michaels is forever out of... Bake for 20 minutes or until the cake bounces back up if touched with your finger..let cool mean while....

Cookie Dough Filling:

4 tablespoon unsalted butter, room temp

6 tablespoons brown sugar

1 cup plus 2 tablespoon all purpose flour

7 ounces sweetened condensed milk

1/2 tsp vanilla

1/4 cup mini chocolate chips..and sense I didn't have those on hand, I just chopped the chips I had into smaller bits..

Cream together the sugar and butter. Add in the flour and then the condensed milk with the vanilla. Mix in the chocolate. You can let the dough chill if you want too...I didn't and am glad I didn't...I will explain later....

Brown Sugar Buttercream

2 sticks of unsalted butter

1/4 cup or so of brown sugar

mix these together until the sugar is dissolved in the butter and then add:

About 2-3 cups of powder sugar, I'll leave it up to you. I like my frosting sweet, which is why i add more powder sugar, but some people like it not so sweet...Add about 2 cap fulls of milk (no measuring spoons needed!) and then add some vanilla. Another cap full. Mix that all together until you get the smoothness you want...add more milk if you want it extra smooth..and so on.

To assemble:

Cut a hole in each cupcake using a paring knife, I have also used the back end of a frosting tip..cut the excess cake off the top of your piece of cake you just cut. Fill a piping bag with the cookie dough filling..see, if it was chilled, it would be harder to work with, and I am all for easy steps! Place the top part of the piece of cake you cut back on the cupcake, hiding your filling, and then pipe on the buttercream, sprinkle with chocolate chips...sit back with a glass of milk and bite into heaven!!! :) Oh yeah, repeat the first couple of steps until all the cupcakes are done!

just quickly...

the results are in, and my heart appears to be normal. But they still haven't explained to me why it still hurts sometimes and why it skips a beat every couple of beats...but normal. Hopefully that means that i stressed out this week for nothing...

But thank you for your prayers! Seriously. I believe that it is because of the power of prayer that my heart is "normal" :)

Update...

Well, i went in for the echo cardiogram yesterday. A very long, very boring hour of laying on a bed. Why do they make ultrasound rooms dark, and warm? I wanted to take a nap! I haven't heard anything from the doctor's office yet. I called yesterday afternoon, but they have yet to call me back. So, I suppose I'm still in limbo. Which I hate. I just want to know! I want to move on from limbo, and from the uncertainty of the future...like tomorrow! I want to know what I can do so that I can live a very long time!

I have had a rough couple of days. From the emotions of not knowing, to the fear that this might not turn out so well, to the comfort of knowing that people who love me are praying for me, to disappointment...to peace.

Thank you for your prayers, for you love and support. Seriously, thank you. you will never know the extent of what your love has done for me.

Drama, thy name is EMILY

Okay, so I was all excited about this week. Could not be happier. I had a news resolution going on with supportive people (thanks Mindy for inviting me!) I was getting all my work outs in for my goal this month. I actually called a friend and had a great talk wit her (thanks Bri! because if you know me, you will know that I usually never call anyone..nope, not even family. It's a rarity. I don't know why...I just never call anyone!) and I had amazing comments posted on my blog..(thanks to you gals who read this little bit of me!) Things were looking, up, up, Up...and then yesterday happened. Let's see, shall I run through my day?

*woke up to the little man poking me in the and saying "ba, ba" a lot.

*got the boys ready headed out the door..forgot that L had a play date..again.

*while doing the Thursday errands, I noticed that my left side of my chest was feeling tight..shrug.

*started thinking more about my chest because it was not getting any better..started thinking immediately about what would happen if this chest thing was more than just a breathing problem..

*got to good old Wally-world (read the sarcasm..hate that place sometimes) get to the check out, super busy, was told to go to aisle 5, it was free. Not so, old Lady was there, demanding that they give her cash back from her check and stood there arguing over 5 cents. YEP, five cents! E tried to climb out of the cart..crying loudly that everything is "scary" and saying "DOWN" a lot. L trying to push buttons on the credit card scanner..

*come home, put away groceries, turn around E has dumped sugar all over the floor, and was sticking his hand in the shortening..

*chest still hurting, call the DR and made an appointment after scaring myself silly with all the articles online about chest pains..that was fun.

*Call my Dad in tears, freaking out, because it dawns on me that I have three grandparents who all had heart problems, two of which had surgery...really did not need the freak out..

*woke up this morning, noticed that the kids had managed to mess up the entire house while I was sleeping in, in fifteen minutes!

*turn around E is on top of my counter trying to get a piece of "dandy"

*go to make cupcakes, forgot to buy cocoa, run to dreaded Wally again..

*E has found his way back on to the counter...AGAIN

*E playing outside thinks it would be great to go down the slide while his brother is trying to climb up the slide..

*Me worried about my heart, again.

*go to the Docs, late as usual. Takes an EKG, takes an x-ray, waiting around for two hours.

*given Asthma meds to see if I just have a bronchiolitis thing..not helping me one micro second..

*told to schedule a echo cardiogram for next week, just in case it is not asthma..

oh yes, and the kicker, finding out that the good old kicker has enlarged about 50 % than where it should be. But everything else about the heart seems to be oookkaayy. Possibly.

*worried, and stressed.

See, lovely two days to end my week. So, I don't know if I'll accomplish my work out goals this month, at least not until I find out what is going on...

Babka Bread

I found this lovely bread over at purple foodie. It seriously is so yummy. And you can put frosting on it, but I like it better without. And just to show you guys how often I have made this bread, I have memorized the recipe! I've made it at least once a week for two months now!

Babka Bread:

6 tbsp butter, softened

6 tbsp sugar

2 tbsp yeast

3/4 cup lukewarm milk

4 egg yolks

1 tsp vanilla

3 1/2 cups all purpose flour

Cream the sugar and butter together so that it is light and fluffy, about 2-3 minutes. Add the yolks, one at a time, mix for about 30 seconds each yolk. Add the vanilla. Add the flour one cup at a time. (I have found that you don't need the 1/2 cup, reserve it for when you knead the dough) in a bowl, combine milk and yeast. Whisk until the yeast is some what dissolved. Make sure your milk isn't too hot! it should feel slightly warm to the touch, and add that to dough. It will be kind of wet. Add a little flour and knead 2-3 minutes. Cover with a towel or plastic wrap and let rise 2 hours. yep, 2 hours. After the 2 hours, lightly dust your counter with flour and roll out the dough to large rectanagle..put butter, cinnamon and brown sugar on the dough, and then roll like you would for cinnamon rolls. You will have a really long roll of dough. Cut it in half and then, with a knife, cut down the middle of the dough, leaving the top somewhat in tact, and braid. Press the edges together. Place on a cookie sheet that has been sprayed with nonstick..now, you can let the bread rise some more, or you can bake now..at 350. Bake for 20-25 minutes. I have tried this bread with chocolate as well. It's easier if you buy the bar chocolate and chop it into really fine pieces, and then sprinkle on the dough..we had cinnamon with it, and it was very yummy! :)

Light Recipes..even some vegetarian ones too!

here are some of the recipes I have tried in the past week and a half with my family. Just a side note about tofu, the kids haven't been enjoying as much as I do. But I figure it's takes what? 20 times for them to like anything out of the ordinary, right? So, keep on trying...

Tofu Taco's (found at this site )

1/4 cup low sodium soy sauce

1 tbsp creamy peanut butter

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp Chile powder

1/2 tsp red pepper sauce (like Franks)

16 ounce frozen extra firm tofu thawed

2 Tbsp olive oil

Note: Make sure your tofu is completely thawed because it won't crisp up if any moisture is left in the tofu..)

Preheat oven 350

mix the first six ingredients together. Drain the tofu and crumble. Add to the mixture and stir

Spread olive oil on a cooking sheet, and then add the tofu mix. bake in the oven for 20 minutes. Take out and stir, then bake for another 20 minutes, or until the tofu is crisp. Use for the filling in your tacos, or for any place that you add ground meat.

Crispy Chicken Nuggets or Tenders (from The Food You Crave by Ellie Krieger)

Cooking spray

1/2 sleeve whole grain saltine crackers (about 20 crackers)

2 1/2 cups corn flakes

3/4 tsp cayenne pepper

1/2 tsp garlic powder

2 large egg whites

1 cup plain yogurt

1 tbsp dijon mustard

Chicken, about 3 lbs

in a food processor pulse the cracker and cereal until a fine crumb (I used a ziploc bag, and a meat mallet) In a shallow bowl or plate, add the cereal mixture, the seasonings together and toss to combine.(i used seasoning salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder because that is what my family likes) In a large bowl, combine egg whites, yogurt and mustard. Add the chicken to the yogurt mix and coat each piece. Then, one at a time, dip the chicken pieces in the cereal mixture. Place on a prepared baking sheet, spray the chicken with cooking spray. Bake for about 45-50 minutes, or until the chicken is no longer pink.

Going Meatless..well, sort of (this is going to be long)

Apparently, my child of five has downloaded something on my computer which caused all the lovely green underlined words...M is suppose to fix it sometime....

On to the reason for this post....And disclaimer...I have not written this post to offend anyone, or to hurt anyone's feelings. These are simply MY thoughts and do not reflect on any other person.

I have tried writing this post four times now. I have been trying to get my thoughts across in a cohesive manner, and so far have come out sounding like a fruit case...I don't want to sound like that, because I'm not. Just suddenly very passionate about this topic. So, please bare with me! While I try and write this post this one last time...it might take me a while to get all my thoughts across...so sit down, grab a snack and indulge me for a few minutes...

I have been trying to loose weight. Trying, but not succeeding as well as I had hoped. And then some thoughts have come slowly to the surface and I had to finally be honest with myself. I haven't really been trying...well, I have been exercising more, but I haven't been doing that great at the whole diet thing...let's face it, I haven't gained a total of 18 pounds in the past seven months by eating a healthy diet. So, I have been trying to get my mind to process what I know, and what I need to do. I have been searching for an answer. My answer has been coming in a very loud rush. I have tried ignoring this rush...more like a tsunami than a gentle stream. M put it out there a few weeks ago...the Word of Wisdom. he wanted to start following it more. And that got me thinking a lot. So, having been in Sunday School numerous times, and having to sit in on the Word of Wisdom lessons, it occurred to me that I have never really read, or understood the main points of this guidance. This started the gears in my little brain to hum... what if I were to follow the word of wisdom? Some things have occurred the past few months that have really brought the points of the Word of Wisdom out to me...(like gaining weight in seven months, and my kids getting sick, our budget getting tighter and my body bulging..oh wait, i already put that!)

Here are some things I have realized the past couple of months. I watched Food Inc, a documentary on the food industry. They focused mainly on meat products and soy beans. I don't know how much of the film was edited to make their point more valid, but what I learned in that film made me decide some things. First, my kids will no longer be eating at fast food, or chain restaurants that have processed, frozen foods served. Mom and Pop places all the way, and Subway..although the sandwich meat is processed, I feel that it is much more healthier to eat there than say, Mcdonalds..which by the way, their chicken nugget has 38 ingredients, and that most of those ingredients are corn products And that most fast food products are sprayed with a flammable chemical to "retain freshness". I have given my kids plenty of happy meals, and kid's meals. I am actually grossed out by fast food now. Not only that, but meat is more fatty and unhealthy than when my grandparents were kids. Scary. So, I have decided that we are going some what meatless in my house hold. My kids ate tofu for the first time last week. it wasn't a huge hit, but they ate it, and I actually liked it a lot....so, less meat which is part of the Word of Wisdom...and side note, in the WW the Lord even warns us of "conspiring men" which in this case, I believe is the food Industry as a whole. Look at our country. We are FAT, and getting FATTER. We even have tv shows of FAT people trying to loose weight...and some fail. Because they believe they are being deprived of yummy foods...HUM. When I posted on Facebook that I was going some what meatless, did anyone say, "good for you" no, most people told me I was crazy, or that meat was good and why would I want to take that out of my diet?? I was actually surprised by the responses. We aren't suppose to eat a lot of meat. Our diet is suppose to be made up mostly of grains, vegetables, fruit, and form of protein ...so, I felt a little down, but not much, because like I said, this sudden passion has come in one huge wave. and this decision was for me and my family..it's not going to affect anyone else outside of my home.

I have also learned that what I put into my body affects the way I act, emotionally and physically. When I am eating the foods that are healthy and for the most part, homemade, I feel better all around. My body is able to do more, I feel happier...but when I am eating unhealthy foods, I start to become weary, I am more sluggish, I have less of a desire to do things...I believe that what we feed our bodies does actually feed our souls. So, my focus has become, eating more of the things Heavenly Father has provided for us, and less of what man has provided. Does this mean that i will stop buying all processed foods? I'm not sure yet. My kids love certain foods...but there are healthier ways for them to eat it. I made homemade Mac and Cheese last week, and it tasted infinitely more delicious than the boxed stuff...will I stop buying the boxed stuff? NO, probably not. Luke loves hot dogs, they are processed meats..but I have been buying the Oscar Meyer brand, they have some that are nitrate free..and are seasoned and preserved by natural means, not chemical. Sariah loves Ramen noodles. Will I stop letting her eat them? No, but i will make sure that it isn't every day! Ethan loves chicken nuggets, but how easy is it to make home made ones? So easy, so simple,I found a recipe for home made chicken nuggets that taste great and are easy to prepare! (recipe coming soon) if I make most of the meals we have, then I can control what is in our food. Think about it, a Hostess Ding Dong has 48 ingredients, my homemade chocolate cupcakes have about seven. I believe that part of the problem with our country is people stopped making homemade, healthy meals. People even claim that it is cheaper to eat fast food than to eat healthy..which has been very interesting to me, when you think about it, because if you buy a meal for every one in your house hold, it ends up being at least 15.00 dollars, but I can feed my family at least two meals for that price...We have become of nation of MORE. I was truly mortified when i went to the Cheese Cake Factory in September. Their serving sizes were out of control huge...I was shocked by the size of it. It actually made me a little sick. (and I know a lot of people love that place) I didn't eat much there. But go to any restaurant and the servings could feed at least two very hungry people!. Is there anything wrong with eating out and enjoying our food? No, I don't think there is. But I also think we have become so use to over indulgences that we feel deprived when we can't have the foods that are processed. Another example. I made a new kind of bread, Babka bread. It is a Jewish sweet bread. You can add chocolate, or cinnamon, or any filling you want, the bread is sweet. Not overly sweet, but still delightful.(another recipe coming soon) I gave some to friends, and they both asked if the next time I make it, if I would add frosting to the already sweet laden bread!

I have been thinking a lot about what I put in my body. I haven't been the greatest at it, but the flood of desire to treat my body more like a temple and less like a sieve has been pushing me towards this passion. I am not a fanatic. I know there will be times when i will slip,..I know that. But I have also come to realize that if I follow the Lord's way, if I actually listen to his words, and follow his outline towards health, than my family will blessed.

I believe that if I feed my body healthy, minimally processed or unprocessed foods, the Lord will grant my body the strength it needs. Why wouldn't I want to feed my family healthy foods when I am promised those blessings? The Word of Wisdom is more than just about food to avoid..it is more than trying to decide if hot chocolate is considered a hot drink...(seriously, sat in a class that argued over this point for the entire hour..and did anyone agree? My whole point, hot chocolate won't keep you out of the temple..therefore, good!)it's a promise, that in the end, if we choose to follow it, than we will be blessed. Will we be kept out of the temple for not eating healthy foods? No, but have you ever been to a Sunday School lesson that addresses the food part of the lesson? It has been my experience that everyone glosses over that part, and skips to the parts of the word of wisdom most members don't have a problem with, like drug abuse, drinking coffee, or drinking alcohol. I think it's because we all have some problems with the food aspect of the word of wisdom. The Word of Wisdom is a choice. It even stats.."to be sent greeting, not by commandment or constraint" see, we don't have to follow the word of wisdom but if we do, this is what he promises us "and all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings walking in obedience to the commandments shall receive health in their navel and marrow in their bones and shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge even hidden treasures and shall run and not be weary and shall walk and not faint"

So this is why, I have chosen, along with my family, that we will be going some what meatless. Most of our daily meals will consist of healthy, home made fair, and will be based on grains and vegetables. I have been blessed with children who like to eat vegetables and fruit. I want what is best for MY family. And part of that is following the guidelines of the WW. I have felt that if I do this for myself and my family, we will be blessed. And heck, maybe I'll get rid of my bulge while doing so! :)

Something strange is a foot..

Question: does anyone know why my blog is suddenly sporting this lovely green underlined words, which if clicked on brings up some funky search engine? And if you know what it is, how the heck do I get it off my blog???

Obsessed

Okay, so when I find a new song, or music artist that captures my imagination, or my emotions, I tend to listen to that song over and over and over again. I become a little obsessed with it. For instance the past three days I have been listening to the same four songs...M is loving me right now! All four songs have been featured on my favorite show, BONES. Love it. So, yeah, I might be a little obsessed but you should check out these songs...

Fearless by Cyndi Lauper

You by Fisher

A light on a hill by Margot & the Nuclear So and So's

Bring on the Wonder by Susan Enan

Update

Sometimes I love the internet..sometimes it is frustrating! So, went to the mail box yesterday, found a lovely brown parcel waiting for me. Went home excited, because it was my skirt, I was already planning my church outfit..shoes, shirt, hair..got home, opened said parcel...purple hues were exploding before my eyes..and buttons and collar. Wait a minute, I didn't order a purple dress! Opened it to make sure. Purple. This was not my skirt. Someone had messed up and it wasn't me! So, needless to say, the purple dress, although I'm sure someone out there thinks it is a beautiful, cute dress, is now making it's way back from whence it came, and hopefully I will receive my skirt sometime in the next week or two..so that is twice now that I have ordered something highly anticipated only to be dashed! But in other news, in the mail that day was also a very lard envelope with two beautiful hot pads from Tiffany...I would so recommend her etsy shop, found here..I am going to order some for my pops!

Some new recipes to try

I am obsessed with recipes. I love finding new ones, I love trying new ones, and every once in a while, my family actually loves them too! Sometimes they are forced fed, but there you are. I have tried two new recipes this week..one savory one sweet. I have to say, I liked the savory one, still on the fence with the sweet. I didn't get any pictures of the savory one, but here it goes:

Corn cakes:

Little pancakes with yummy sweet corn. The recipe called for fresh corn, but since that cannot be found, I used frozen, worked great!

1 1/2 cups corn

1/2 jalapeño (I used banana peppers, but just in half the batter)

1 cup milk

4 tbsp butter

2 large eggs

1 1/4 cup flour

1 tbsp sugar

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup shredded cheddar

1. in a medium sauce pan, combine corn, pepper, milk and butter. Simmer until butter is melted.

2. In a large bowl, whisk eggs, then add the corn mixture, (temper the eggs, so add a little of the melted butter mix in at a time, so that you don't end up with scrambled eggs)

3. add the flour, sugar, salt, and baking powder and mix until combined. Fold in cheese.

Add butter to your hot skillet, or griddle and make pancake sized cakes. Turning over once to brown both sides.

My kids actually ate this. I wasn't sure what to serve with them, so we just ate them with ranch dressing. But I think they would make a great base for Navajo tacos, or for a savory breakfast. YUM. I would have liked more spice in them, but my kids would have turned their noses at spice. You could pretty much add anything to this and make them even more yummy.

I found this recipe here at eat make read

this is my inspiration for this week. I just ordered this skirt from Anthropologie...it's mike's birthday present to me. (he just doesn't know that yet) I had ordered a skirt from another online store and it said it was my size, but the thighs do not lie, and it was not my size. And because I avoid the post office, I have yet to return the skirt. Maybe by summer I'll be able to squeeze into. If not, it will just be donated to my sister's closet. :) How are you guys doing??? I feel lonely out here in the blog world!

Long, Long Journey

In life, it seems as if we all have a journey ahead of us. Whether this journey is a short one, or a very long one, we all have to walk it. Life is also filled with all kinds of journeys. There is just life journeys, there are journeys to a goal, there are journeys to health...etc. My journey right now, is loosing weight. I was doing really well, and then July hit, and now I am 18 pounds heavier. I am more annoyed with myself than anything. How did I let myself go? I think we let ourselves go when we stop caring for ourselves. When we stop doing the important things. My journey is now to find myself, again. I have been trying to find that fight within, to keep trudging a long and really, to not give up. I suppose I don't have a Bob or a Jillian motivating me to get my butt into gear, thus, i will not loose ten pounds a week, which is fine. But a pound, i would love a pound! I'm putting it out here in this blog-world though, because I just need a place where i can vent, or cheer, or just be myself, no qualms, just me. So, indeed, it is a long, long journey to my goal. mainly I just want to be able to look at myself again and see me. I tend to not look at myself at all. Which is why the last time I went to walmart, i looked a little scary..my hair was sticking up in all sorts of odd angles, and my jacket was a bit dirty... but I just don't look at myself, I avoid it as much as possible. Maybe not a good thing. I have been avoiding my friends, and I have been avoiding life outside my home. I stay inside a lot....and it isn't just because of the cold weather. I don't want people to see me, I am embarrassed. I am the fat friend. The fat sister..and please do not tell me that I look fine..I saw the video of Christmas morning, I am not fine.. I don't like it. But I am taking the steps. My emotions right now, might seem a bit extreme, I know that. I am trying to assuage them, and put them back into the right perspective. See, part of my journey. I am trying to just not sabotage myself, that's the goal this week. I have a history of giving up on myself early in the game. Maybe I am afraid of succeeding, which sounds crazy. Why would anyone be afraid of success? I am. I have never really succeeded. Ever. So, what happens when i do? Will it really change me? Will I be the same? Will I be a better person? Or will i just remain the same, how um Emily? Not sure. But I know that if I do this, if i actually place myself on this journey with all my heart and soul, then I can succeed, and yes, that is a very scary thought, but it is also an enlightening thought as well. Success, the coming home of the journey. The end...how will that be? If I can imagine myself in heaven, successfully, then why not imagine myself as a healthy, happy woman? Right? Journeys are meant to be taken, and i have decided, chosen, my path. What is your journey??