Long, Long Journey

In life, it seems as if we all have a journey ahead of us. Whether this journey is a short one, or a very long one, we all have to walk it. Life is also filled with all kinds of journeys. There is just life journeys, there are journeys to a goal, there are journeys to health...etc. My journey right now, is loosing weight. I was doing really well, and then July hit, and now I am 18 pounds heavier. I am more annoyed with myself than anything. How did I let myself go? I think we let ourselves go when we stop caring for ourselves. When we stop doing the important things. My journey is now to find myself, again. I have been trying to find that fight within, to keep trudging a long and really, to not give up. I suppose I don't have a Bob or a Jillian motivating me to get my butt into gear, thus, i will not loose ten pounds a week, which is fine. But a pound, i would love a pound! I'm putting it out here in this blog-world though, because I just need a place where i can vent, or cheer, or just be myself, no qualms, just me. So, indeed, it is a long, long journey to my goal. mainly I just want to be able to look at myself again and see me. I tend to not look at myself at all. Which is why the last time I went to walmart, i looked a little scary..my hair was sticking up in all sorts of odd angles, and my jacket was a bit dirty... but I just don't look at myself, I avoid it as much as possible. Maybe not a good thing. I have been avoiding my friends, and I have been avoiding life outside my home. I stay inside a lot....and it isn't just because of the cold weather. I don't want people to see me, I am embarrassed. I am the fat friend. The fat sister..and please do not tell me that I look fine..I saw the video of Christmas morning, I am not fine.. I don't like it. But I am taking the steps. My emotions right now, might seem a bit extreme, I know that. I am trying to assuage them, and put them back into the right perspective. See, part of my journey. I am trying to just not sabotage myself, that's the goal this week. I have a history of giving up on myself early in the game. Maybe I am afraid of succeeding, which sounds crazy. Why would anyone be afraid of success? I am. I have never really succeeded. Ever. So, what happens when i do? Will it really change me? Will I be the same? Will I be a better person? Or will i just remain the same, how um Emily? Not sure. But I know that if I do this, if i actually place myself on this journey with all my heart and soul, then I can succeed, and yes, that is a very scary thought, but it is also an enlightening thought as well. Success, the coming home of the journey. The end...how will that be? If I can imagine myself in heaven, successfully, then why not imagine myself as a healthy, happy woman? Right? Journeys are meant to be taken, and i have decided, chosen, my path. What is your journey??