Where's the love?

I have been in a bad mood the past couple of days. Very bad mood and I hate that. I have been in some dark places in my life, and I have fought like hell to get out of one the past year and a half. (Excuse the swearing, please.) I have a tendency to keep things in, to not let others know how I am actually doing. This I suppose, comes from my self proclaimed position in life. I was always the listener, never the doer. I could give people advice, and I might add my advice is usually sound, but for myself, I seem to have no clue what to do. Anyway, I have struggled with my self worth my whole life. That might seem a little dramatic, but it's true. I have the journals to prove it. I have the memories to prove it. I determined last year that enough was ENOUGH. I wasn't going to place my self worth on what others thought of me, or what I might perceive that others were thinking about me. I'm pretty sure that people really didn't think of me as often as I thought...and if they even noticed me, I'm sure they weren't thinking what I thought they were thinking.....so I started to search and to discover what made me, me. It took about five months to start believing in myself. The first time I ran without stopping was a huge accomplishment. When I sat at the piano and started singing a hymn and realizing that I could sing all the high notes and actually sounded wonderful was a first for me, my singing improved and I started believing that I was a good singer. I started writing my novel again, and this time, I knew that I could do it, and that it didn't matter if it was well written, I was finally writing just for me again. I was able to look in the mirror and not see my flaws, but see that I was beautiful. Maybe not in the worldly sense, but in my own mind. I doubt very much that I am beautiful to the world, but I am finally able to realize that it doesn't matter what the world sees, but what I see in myself. So, one might ask, why is she in a bad mood? Because I can feel myself falling back to the old Emily. The pushover, the nerd, the lonely and scared Emily. I don't want to go back. I really don't. But here I am. I was always telling myself that tomorrow was the day I would start, tomorrow was the day I would get things accomplished...I am back to the old tomorrow syndrome. Please don't let me get there again. Please encourage and pray for me. Maybe I shouldn't ask, there are several people out there who need prayers and encouragement more than I, but please, if you think of me, just send a silent hello (or not so silent hello) to me. I promise to do better. I promise to not give up....just cheer me on. :)