This to shall pass

First off.

Thank You.  Two of the most important words I can ever express to you three that responded to my last post.  Thank you.  I needed you, and you were there for me.  Why can't you guys live closer to me?  Seriously.

I have had a lovely weekend with my sisters and a cousin.  We spent it in the splendor the mountains.  Surrounded by all the trees that were bursting with color.  I forget what Autumn looks like.  We don't have much of one down here where I live.  Usually, things just go from being dry to dull...I loved all the colors in the trees.  Some were purple, red, yellow, and burnt orange.  I forgot my camera, and my phone died, so I couldn't take any pictures, but when I close my eyes I can see those beautiful mountains, and I can take a deep breath.  We live in a beautiful place.

I needed the weekend.  I needed to relax and to be silly.  I needed my sisters who buoy me up and who love me simply because I am me.  I needed a few days to be EMILY and no one else.  Not a mother, or wife.  Just EMILY.  I don't know if that is selfish.  I love being a mother, I love the feel of chubby, sticky fingers going around my neck.  I love the smiles my blue eyed boy gives me when he comes home from school, I love the talks my daughter and I have in our moments..and for the most part, I enjoy being a wife.  But I missed being just me, sometimes I just miss being the me that I was before all of this.

I reflected a lot on my life in the small moments to myself.  I wish I hadn't been so naive when I first stepped into that role. WIFE.  I wish I would have wiped off my rose colored glasses a little sooner.  I wish I had listened more to my heart, sometimes.  I have been so angry this past year.  Angry at Heavenly Father for giving me this long trial.  (oh you mean marriage isn't all peaches and cream?) and I have had to grow, so achingly much.  This past year has been one of the hardest in my life.  I have had to endure a lot in my life.  I wonder if anyone is enduring half as much.  And I wonder if I can bare any thing.  I wonder if any of this is worth the struggle.

And then I saw those beautiful mountains, changing like they do every year.  In all their beauty, their time is short, they will loose some of that beauty.  Those colors will fade and drift away.  They will have to endure the harsh and cold winter..and suddenly, new buds grow, bright and green.  And the cycle begins again.  And I think, maybe it isn't an accident that there are things in nature that change all the time.  And i think...maybe this too will pass.  Maybe not now, maybe my time in winter isn't quite up, but maybe it's coming.  And I can burst forth in radiant color.

I am heading into unknown territory with life and it terrifies me.  But maybe now is the time to put my faith, that is literally the size of a seed to the test.  Faith the size of a seed can move a mountain right?