Where's the love?

I have been in a bad mood the past couple of days. Very bad mood and I hate that. I have been in some dark places in my life, and I have fought like hell to get out of one the past year and a half. (Excuse the swearing, please.) I have a tendency to keep things in, to not let others know how I am actually doing. This I suppose, comes from my self proclaimed position in life. I was always the listener, never the doer. I could give people advice, and I might add my advice is usually sound, but for myself, I seem to have no clue what to do. Anyway, I have struggled with my self worth my whole life. That might seem a little dramatic, but it's true. I have the journals to prove it. I have the memories to prove it. I determined last year that enough was ENOUGH. I wasn't going to place my self worth on what others thought of me, or what I might perceive that others were thinking about me. I'm pretty sure that people really didn't think of me as often as I thought...and if they even noticed me, I'm sure they weren't thinking what I thought they were thinking.....so I started to search and to discover what made me, me. It took about five months to start believing in myself. The first time I ran without stopping was a huge accomplishment. When I sat at the piano and started singing a hymn and realizing that I could sing all the high notes and actually sounded wonderful was a first for me, my singing improved and I started believing that I was a good singer. I started writing my novel again, and this time, I knew that I could do it, and that it didn't matter if it was well written, I was finally writing just for me again. I was able to look in the mirror and not see my flaws, but see that I was beautiful. Maybe not in the worldly sense, but in my own mind. I doubt very much that I am beautiful to the world, but I am finally able to realize that it doesn't matter what the world sees, but what I see in myself. So, one might ask, why is she in a bad mood? Because I can feel myself falling back to the old Emily. The pushover, the nerd, the lonely and scared Emily. I don't want to go back. I really don't. But here I am. I was always telling myself that tomorrow was the day I would start, tomorrow was the day I would get things accomplished...I am back to the old tomorrow syndrome. Please don't let me get there again. Please encourage and pray for me. Maybe I shouldn't ask, there are several people out there who need prayers and encouragement more than I, but please, if you think of me, just send a silent hello (or not so silent hello) to me. I promise to do better. I promise to not give up....just cheer me on. :)

No excuses, No boundaries

Mantra: Hinduism, a sacred verbal formula repeated in prayer, meditation, or incantation. 2. A commonly repeated word or phrase.

My lovely, beautiful and determined sister, Jeni, asked if I wanted to started a diet and exercise program with her. I said, sure. Well, after failing this past week in the diet department I decided that I need to figure out what I should be doing. I am all about excuses. It's too hot, I'm tired, I need to clean my house, I have a headache...and so on. It occurred to me that I need to change my attitude, thus changing myself and achieving the things that I have wanted to do but have never finished. Alas, I am a procrastinator, the bane of my existence. I am very good at postponing, very good. I excel in this. But what good has it done me? Gaining almost thirty pounds in one year two years ago, and I'm still trying to get it off. I have about fifteen pounds left. So, what to do? I needed a mantra. I needed something to motivate me. I need to be strong. So, No EXCUSES! Think about it, if you didn't have any excuse, none whatsoever, what could you accomplish? What could you gain? When you leave the excuses at the door, what is there for you ahead? NO BOUNDARIES. That's right. Boundaries are gone. Because there is no excuse to forgo, there is nothing standing in your way when you declare, No excuses. Why? Because excuses hold you back, they get in the way. They make us weak, they make us delinquent, they bring us down, they destroy our spirit, they weigh on us...excuses. Yuck! This week, although I haven't done the best at eating, I have made no excuses when it came to exercise. I exercised every day, no matter what. I didn't allow the excuses of not doing it to overrule me. I exercised every single day...and what did that get me? Three pounds, three lovely pounds gone. No excuses, no boundaries, no excuses, no boundaries...NO EXCUSES NO BOUNDARIES!

Frustration thy name is...October!

Tis the season to be frustrated! Why you might ask me? How do I hate thee, let me count the ways....

1. Stores are getting ready for Christmas, totally by passing my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving.

2. It's still not cool enough to wear my sweaters

3. still too hot to run outside at four in the afternoon

4. Coughs are just not fun to have when you get that itch even water can't appease.

5. spelling words wrong.

6. getting booed...I don't mind the treats, but what to do for the three people I have yet to boo? paper plates with a mound of frosting? Could work.

7. my car which likes to die on me.

8. the sound of the lawn mower going off bright and early every monday..still.

9. getting stir crazy

10. figuring out how to sew a Cleopatra costume and having no clue how to sew..

11. Making a Jedi Cloak, did I mention I don't know how to sew?

12. Halloween.

13. Halloween

14. Did I mention, Halloween? It is my least favorite "holiday" I hate it!

15. The 25 cup cakes I must have eaten all by myself this past week..... seriously.

Goal

I had to write this, because well, let's face it achieving a goal is pretty neat! I just ran 4.2 miles without stopping once, and it was on the treadmill which is horrible to run on, because you run really fast and you don't get anywhere! I just tuned into my ipod and let the music take me! And it took me four miles! Yeah for Emily!!!!

Digital Scrap booking layouts

Book of Mormon Stories....

It was decided about a week ago that we should reading the scriptures as a family. Yes, I know, you guys are shocked to find out that we have not been doing that yet. We have been slacking big time! Anyway, last night while we were reading...well, okay, Mike was reading, Sariah was holding Ethan, Luke was looking at a book and singing, and I was folding laundry, but I was listening! I was musing about the events we were reading about. Nephi was exhorting his two horrible brothers, Laman and Lemuel to listen to the Lord and he was asking his brothers why they were doing the things they were doing after all that they had seen and heard and witnessed. All this while being tied up no less! And I was thinking about this. Why were Laman and Lemuel so stubborn? Wouldn't I strive to do better if I had seen and Angel of the Lord? Or heard the voice of the Lord? Or had a father who was a prophet of the Lord? Wouldn't I suddenly change my ways and be a better member of this church? And the more I thought about it, the more that it occurred to me: we are more like Laman and Lemuel then Nephi. How many times has the Lord shown me his power and yet I still persist in my ways? How many times have I heard the answers to my prayers, and yet I still stubbornly seek another answer? I have gone through many things in my life, you would think my testimony would be rock solid and yet I waiver. I waiver on a daily basis. Not in big ways, I go through the motions...but how often am I just going through the motions and not getting anywhere really fast? I have slacked off. It has been a long time since I have actually taken the time to sincerely pray to my Father. I haven't been to the temple in a long, long while. I feel the desire, I feel the burning to go and yet i ignore it and do a worldly activity instead. I have witnessed what happens when you aren't following the gospel teachings. I see it in my attitude towards life, in my perception of this world. I have felt the lack of the spirit in my heart. I am less forgiving, more inclined to anger, my attitude and thoughts are not directed towards the better good. I struggle with my testimony, I struggle with living this gospel sometimes. I wonder if it's really worth it. I have heard and seen and witnessed many things, Just like Laman, just like Lemuel. And just like them, I have tried to do better, and I do for a little while and then I get complacent, I get lazy, and I slip. Not in big ways, no, I haven't tied up anyone, or tried to kill my brother, or blatantly sinned...no. But I have neglected my testimony, I have been doing some of things that are asked of me, but not all. No not all. The thing is, I know. I know what I'm doing. I know what is important. I cannot deny the feelings I have had, the burning of the spirit when gospel principls are being taught. I know. I know there is a heaven, I know there is a Father who loves us. I know that my son, my beautiful baby boy is there...I have felt the Lord's power in my life many, many times. Who am i to deny the things I have felt? So, instead of being a Laman, or a lemuel, I need to become a Nephi. Willing to listen to the Lord, to do the things which the Lord commands. To listen, to strive, to learn and to grow. Build a strong foundation so that when the waves of the world come creeping along my shore, I will be able to withstand their pull.

Good Things

I read a friend's blog and decided that I'd copy her idea (thanks Gail!) So here it goes:

Good Things:

satellites: without them I wouldn't be able to enjoy my shows via Dishnetwork and the lovely invention of DVR so that I can watch my shows commercial free and while my kids are in bed so that I am not interrupted every five minutes.

Microwaves: so that I can prepare a fast meal in minutes before church, otherwise my children would be starved during church. Something about cooking on Sundays.

Cupcakes: I fell in love with cupcakes. Little foils of buttery, moist, heavenly goodness. Trying out new recipes and figuring out that man I'm good at baking! =)

Little piggies to tickle.

Harry Potter. I am currently reading the series again for the tenth time.

Battery Charger..because my car likes to die on me at random and most inconvenient moments.

Costco so that I could buy the battery charger so that my car will start when dead.

Preschool so I can regain my sanity every Tuesday and Thursday.

Bedtime....so I can get some zzzz's