So, have you ever been in a conversation and it's going great.
You're talking about kids, or the weather, or the last book your reading. Even the best movie you've just watched. The latest fashion, or the the last episode of Once Upon A Time.
And then it happens.
You've inserted your foot in your mouth, and sometimes it gets lodged in there pretty tight that the best thing to do is turn and run? But heaven forbid you do that! No, you'll just overstay your welcome just a little more and make it even worse.
Yep. That happened to me, last night.
I sat up all night thinking about what I could have said to make it better..oh, besides not saying anything at all? Yeah that would have been helpful.
How do I cure myself of this infliction? I seem to do this a lot. And I would like to think that I am a thoughtful and kind person who wouldn't say mean things. At least not on purpose. So when it happens, it's a thousands times worse I suppose. I toss and turn and can't believe I have done it. And I do it. ANYWAY.
I think my mind sometimes hasn't caught up with my mouth.
And how do you take back those words? You can't. Once they spew forth they are out there like unwanted spawn reeking havoc and you can't really do anything but watch those little devils do their work until the aftermath. And your left scrambling to pick up the pieces.
I once told my mom that her and my dad should have stopped having kids after my sister Jessica. Oops. I hadn't meant it, it was suppose to be a joke. Yeah, lovely joke right? I felt horrible for a week, and then went to apologize, and mom didn't remember it. But I felt horrible that i would even attempt to say something like that. Seriously. who says that?
And then last night, I'm waiting for my daughter at her lesson, talking with a dear friend, we're talking about what it would be like to move. And she said something like, her daughter would not like leaving her grandparents, because she loves being close to her grandparents, and stupid me, I say, "yeah, she would die if you did that" back story, this dear friend had lost a child a few years ago and her daughter has the same disease and yes, she might die too. See, great, EMILY. I didn't even realize what I had said till I had said it. I had just meant, she would hate being away from her grandparents. Yep, great choice of words.
See, foot in mouth.
I want this week to officially be over, like right now, this very minute. It really as been one of those weeks.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Oh Say, what you say
I wish as a mom, I knew the right words to say to my kids at the right moment.
You know, like in the Cosby show. Or Full House, Que music and let the script for the perfect line begin.
But I don't.
Often times I feel like I have no clue what to say to my children. I scramble to find the most simple of things to say, that will make things all right for them at the moment of their current tragedy..Can I kiss that better? Do you need a hug? But those aren't going to fix my problem right now.
Right now, I am at a loss as to what to say to my daughter.
She is in the seventh grade. She feels like an outcast in her school. She feels like people stare at her. She feels like no one likes her. She thinks she is being ignore by everyone in the halls of her school. She is lonely. She spends almost all of her free time at home, with us. She never talks to anyone in her peer group on the phone, or online. She very rarely goes and hangs out with her friends (she very rarely gets invited to things). She does not want to go to Young Women's, because she feels left out there as well. Her best friend has left her behind and only calls if no one else is available. She is with us all the time. Tonight, she was sobbing, she was so lonely and so sad. I had no idea what to say to her! Her outlook on life is so depressing.
She tells me things like "well, sometimes life just sucks and there isn't anything you can do about it" and I have no idea why she feels this way! I would like to think her home life is pretty good. But I know that her life outside of it might not be so great. But this is a girl who just got on the high honor roll, who plays the piano like she was born to it, who reads seven books at a time, who is kind and gentle, who is silly and can make so many jokes, she is the girl who will help her little brother with his blocks, this is the girl who is so gentle....
I wish I could protect her from the social pressures of this world. I think she feels them very deeply. I know she is shy, and it takes a lot for her to get out of her shell. I don't know what she is like around people her age. I assume she is very shy and slightly awkward (weren't we all though) I want those lines from the family shows that make every thing okay for her. That change the course of the episode for her.
What do i tell this beautiful daughter of mine? What can i say that will make her life okay? I can't walk with her in those hallways..I wish I had a wand that would make it so sometimes. I want her to be happy.
What would you say to your child who was feeling lonely and sad and out of sorts?
You know, like in the Cosby show. Or Full House, Que music and let the script for the perfect line begin.
But I don't.
Often times I feel like I have no clue what to say to my children. I scramble to find the most simple of things to say, that will make things all right for them at the moment of their current tragedy..Can I kiss that better? Do you need a hug? But those aren't going to fix my problem right now.
Right now, I am at a loss as to what to say to my daughter.
She is in the seventh grade. She feels like an outcast in her school. She feels like people stare at her. She feels like no one likes her. She thinks she is being ignore by everyone in the halls of her school. She is lonely. She spends almost all of her free time at home, with us. She never talks to anyone in her peer group on the phone, or online. She very rarely goes and hangs out with her friends (she very rarely gets invited to things). She does not want to go to Young Women's, because she feels left out there as well. Her best friend has left her behind and only calls if no one else is available. She is with us all the time. Tonight, she was sobbing, she was so lonely and so sad. I had no idea what to say to her! Her outlook on life is so depressing.
She tells me things like "well, sometimes life just sucks and there isn't anything you can do about it" and I have no idea why she feels this way! I would like to think her home life is pretty good. But I know that her life outside of it might not be so great. But this is a girl who just got on the high honor roll, who plays the piano like she was born to it, who reads seven books at a time, who is kind and gentle, who is silly and can make so many jokes, she is the girl who will help her little brother with his blocks, this is the girl who is so gentle....
I wish I could protect her from the social pressures of this world. I think she feels them very deeply. I know she is shy, and it takes a lot for her to get out of her shell. I don't know what she is like around people her age. I assume she is very shy and slightly awkward (weren't we all though) I want those lines from the family shows that make every thing okay for her. That change the course of the episode for her.
What do i tell this beautiful daughter of mine? What can i say that will make her life okay? I can't walk with her in those hallways..I wish I had a wand that would make it so sometimes. I want her to be happy.
What would you say to your child who was feeling lonely and sad and out of sorts?
Monday, November 19, 2012
The Great Christmas Tree Hunt
It started with a whisper.
Actually, with a suggestion from my mother in law. We were talking about what to do for Thanksgiving. (what do you do? Well, you eat, lots of food, duh) but she wanted to bring back a tradition her and Ryan did as a young family. They would cut down their Christmas Tree every year on Thanksgiving. I think my family did that once. Usually, Dad would pile us Gentry kids into the Big B.Y.U van (it had previously held football players..my dad bought it from the church, so we were special, or at least my parents tried selling this idea to us as kids, because this van was large, blue and white and ugly and embarrassing to ride in) and we would search the valley in every tree lot for the perfect tree. It had to be tall, it had to be skinny, and it couldn't be bushy. There had to be room between each branch so that the ornaments could hang down. Sometimes the search would take hours. At the end of the night, Dad would find his tree, and treat us troopers to hot chocolate. So, I told my mother in law that I would love a real tree.
The idea was to head out on Thanksgiving after our feast and get the trees..and then it morfed into a picnic (what?! people, you don't picnic on Thanksgiving, it's sacrilege) and then it went to our family and Mike's parents would go this last Saturday and get the trees for everyone that wanted one.
We headed up to Cedar City and beyond. Into the mountains. Up and up we drove. As we climbed, the weather changed. We started driving in slush, and then it was turning into a blizzard. So, we turned around and found a spot outside of the blizzard. And we started walking..or attempting to walk. All while being pelted by ice, it wasn't snow, no, it was ice. We followed dirt road (which was snow covered) up through the mountain and kept our eye out for a tree. The thing is, looking for a tree on the mountain is deceiving. You would find this beautiful shaped pine tree and think, EUREKA! I FOUND MY TREE! And you would think, yes, finally, I can get out of the snow and warm up and we can get home...only to look at the tree, and inspect it, only to find that the back side was bare, as in no branches to be found! Mother Nature and all her tricks. It took two and a half hours of hiking in pretty deep snow to find three trees. Keep in mind that there were two women, and we each had our own ideas of a perfect tree, and we were not going to leave the mountain until we found our trees..and two husbands. One who listens to his wife and just went a long with whatever she wanted..and one with his own ideas of a perfect tree and wouldn't listen to his wife..oh, that be mine. :)
Did I mention we brought our children? And an extra set of children? All of whom started complaining about the snow, and being cold, and tired and bored about twenty minutes into this search? One child started about five minutes into the hunt. And did I also mention that I was appointed the illustrious task of dragging a sled with my lazy boned three year old installed inside? And who would not let anyone or anything else reside with him in the sled? My seven year old had worn his old hiking boots (we live in St.George, we don't own snow gear, like snow boots. We are lucky we have gloves and coats) and who told me before leaving that he liked the feel so of his toes being squished? Yeah, I bet you can guess how much he loved that feeling after being in those shoes for about 20 minutes. There were tears. I felt like telling him, "I TOLD YOU SO" but I refrained, but I like to think that I am a mature mom.
I saw my tree the minute we started, it was on the opposite side of the road, but no one heard me. So, for an hour, a whole hour, we hiked through snow, and listened to the kids as they complained ever more loudly that they were wet, and tired and wanted to go HOME. and Mike and his dad kept disappearing in the woods, which you would think would be impossible, because it was all white! But they did. And you can't really hear, so when they shouted at you it wasn't like you were deliberately trying to ignore them..most of the time. It wasn't like you had your mind on other things, like dragging a sled, keeping your eye out for a tree, watching five other children, and listening to your far off husband shouting at you in muffled tones, all while wearing wet sneakers and no hat! (see, no snow gear)
But finally, when we couldn't find any trees with a full set, they listened to me, sort of. I took it upon myself to take the kids back to trucks to get warmed up and wait for the tree hunt to come it luminous end, when I glanced up, and saw my tree, again. So, I told Sariah to take the three year old, who had decided he wanted to play in the snow by this time, back to the truck, and I had trudged up the side of the hill in knee deep snow to my tree and shouted at the top of lungs (what's going on) to the men folk to follow my foot steps.
By this time, Mike had already found a tree, which he deemed well enough (and alright, it was) but I had already waded through the snow, knee deep! So, my father in law and mother in law followed my steps and took the tree I had spotted. THANK YOU. I begrudgingly admitted Mike's tree was alright for our house. Our trees didn't look tall enough for what we wanted, but we were sure we would make them work..
did I happen to mention that in between this, I had to race down the hill, and to the truck because the children thought it was a good idea to lock one of them out of the truck, causing the panic alarm to go off, I have never ran in snow. I was surprised I didn't fall on my behind. And my child, my little baby was screaming his head off? YEP. And then had to walk back to make sure they had found the right tree, and then raced back to the kids..by then it was decided that kids could watch the ipad in our car, with the heater running, so I sat in the car with them. WAITING. It was the longest 15 minutes ever. The hunt my friends was a success.
I will never bring my children again. Or my husband.
He also has opinion on ornaments, and lights, and decor! Who is this man? Let the battle of the Christmas Decor begin.
(my tree does look pretty good, and fills my house with it's piney goodness smell. My seven year old has taken it upon himself to water it, and touch it whenever he can. And it was too tall for our house, by like three feet. I still think it's too tall...)
Actually, with a suggestion from my mother in law. We were talking about what to do for Thanksgiving. (what do you do? Well, you eat, lots of food, duh) but she wanted to bring back a tradition her and Ryan did as a young family. They would cut down their Christmas Tree every year on Thanksgiving. I think my family did that once. Usually, Dad would pile us Gentry kids into the Big B.Y.U van (it had previously held football players..my dad bought it from the church, so we were special, or at least my parents tried selling this idea to us as kids, because this van was large, blue and white and ugly and embarrassing to ride in) and we would search the valley in every tree lot for the perfect tree. It had to be tall, it had to be skinny, and it couldn't be bushy. There had to be room between each branch so that the ornaments could hang down. Sometimes the search would take hours. At the end of the night, Dad would find his tree, and treat us troopers to hot chocolate. So, I told my mother in law that I would love a real tree.
The idea was to head out on Thanksgiving after our feast and get the trees..and then it morfed into a picnic (what?! people, you don't picnic on Thanksgiving, it's sacrilege) and then it went to our family and Mike's parents would go this last Saturday and get the trees for everyone that wanted one.
We headed up to Cedar City and beyond. Into the mountains. Up and up we drove. As we climbed, the weather changed. We started driving in slush, and then it was turning into a blizzard. So, we turned around and found a spot outside of the blizzard. And we started walking..or attempting to walk. All while being pelted by ice, it wasn't snow, no, it was ice. We followed dirt road (which was snow covered) up through the mountain and kept our eye out for a tree. The thing is, looking for a tree on the mountain is deceiving. You would find this beautiful shaped pine tree and think, EUREKA! I FOUND MY TREE! And you would think, yes, finally, I can get out of the snow and warm up and we can get home...only to look at the tree, and inspect it, only to find that the back side was bare, as in no branches to be found! Mother Nature and all her tricks. It took two and a half hours of hiking in pretty deep snow to find three trees. Keep in mind that there were two women, and we each had our own ideas of a perfect tree, and we were not going to leave the mountain until we found our trees..and two husbands. One who listens to his wife and just went a long with whatever she wanted..and one with his own ideas of a perfect tree and wouldn't listen to his wife..oh, that be mine. :)
Did I mention we brought our children? And an extra set of children? All of whom started complaining about the snow, and being cold, and tired and bored about twenty minutes into this search? One child started about five minutes into the hunt. And did I also mention that I was appointed the illustrious task of dragging a sled with my lazy boned three year old installed inside? And who would not let anyone or anything else reside with him in the sled? My seven year old had worn his old hiking boots (we live in St.George, we don't own snow gear, like snow boots. We are lucky we have gloves and coats) and who told me before leaving that he liked the feel so of his toes being squished? Yeah, I bet you can guess how much he loved that feeling after being in those shoes for about 20 minutes. There were tears. I felt like telling him, "I TOLD YOU SO" but I refrained, but I like to think that I am a mature mom.
I saw my tree the minute we started, it was on the opposite side of the road, but no one heard me. So, for an hour, a whole hour, we hiked through snow, and listened to the kids as they complained ever more loudly that they were wet, and tired and wanted to go HOME. and Mike and his dad kept disappearing in the woods, which you would think would be impossible, because it was all white! But they did. And you can't really hear, so when they shouted at you it wasn't like you were deliberately trying to ignore them..most of the time. It wasn't like you had your mind on other things, like dragging a sled, keeping your eye out for a tree, watching five other children, and listening to your far off husband shouting at you in muffled tones, all while wearing wet sneakers and no hat! (see, no snow gear)
But finally, when we couldn't find any trees with a full set, they listened to me, sort of. I took it upon myself to take the kids back to trucks to get warmed up and wait for the tree hunt to come it luminous end, when I glanced up, and saw my tree, again. So, I told Sariah to take the three year old, who had decided he wanted to play in the snow by this time, back to the truck, and I had trudged up the side of the hill in knee deep snow to my tree and shouted at the top of lungs (what's going on) to the men folk to follow my foot steps.
By this time, Mike had already found a tree, which he deemed well enough (and alright, it was) but I had already waded through the snow, knee deep! So, my father in law and mother in law followed my steps and took the tree I had spotted. THANK YOU. I begrudgingly admitted Mike's tree was alright for our house. Our trees didn't look tall enough for what we wanted, but we were sure we would make them work..
did I happen to mention that in between this, I had to race down the hill, and to the truck because the children thought it was a good idea to lock one of them out of the truck, causing the panic alarm to go off, I have never ran in snow. I was surprised I didn't fall on my behind. And my child, my little baby was screaming his head off? YEP. And then had to walk back to make sure they had found the right tree, and then raced back to the kids..by then it was decided that kids could watch the ipad in our car, with the heater running, so I sat in the car with them. WAITING. It was the longest 15 minutes ever. The hunt my friends was a success.
I will never bring my children again. Or my husband.
He also has opinion on ornaments, and lights, and decor! Who is this man? Let the battle of the Christmas Decor begin.
(my tree does look pretty good, and fills my house with it's piney goodness smell. My seven year old has taken it upon himself to water it, and touch it whenever he can. And it was too tall for our house, by like three feet. I still think it's too tall...)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe
The St. George Marathon made it's way into town. My Dad has been running the long 26 point something miles for 22 years. And for 22 years I have been able to watch and cheer for him. I have never missed a single year. I watched as all those runners took strides to make it the last couple of miles..we figured out last year that the best view was from mile 23. There was one lady that I was amazed was still running! I couldn't believe she was moving at all. I wish I had taken a picture, because I swear the force of gravity would have made her fall down, but she was chugging a long like everyone else. I was able to spend time with my family and my kids were able to spend time with their cousins and a pot belly pig!
Running has always been a part of my life. I first discovered running in high school. The couch in PE kept bugging me to try out for track, he said I great running form, but I never did. He even had the track couch come and watch me. But I chickened out and didn't go. I would run though, every once in a while. I was never very fast, but enjoyed the feeling of the pavement under my feet.
When I had Sariah, I would run in the evenings, up and down the long hill by my mother in laws house. It was my favorite run. I had a dog chase me once, he kept trying to beat me..I thought he was going to attack me. He followed me all the way home. I was upset when we moved to our house, I missed my old route.
Now, I have been struggling to get back into the game. You know, being asked four times in about two months if I was expecting has motivated me to get back into the game of running...
Running is hard, it isn't easy. You can't tie on your brand new running shoes and then expect to run a half marathon the first day. You have to build up, slow and steady. Sometimes, your run is amazing, and you feel like you can go farther than 10 miles, heck, you could run a marathon. And other days, you are lucky if that mile is in sight! But if you keep at it, the miles and the speed comes. And the air..I have to train my body to breathe. It isn't easy. My lungs tell me to stop, and my heart tells me it can't take another beat. But I keep going. Even if I have to start over at a mile, again and again. And who knows, maybe one day I'll be the one running the marathon, watching for my cheerleaders. And defying gravity.
Running has always been a part of my life. I first discovered running in high school. The couch in PE kept bugging me to try out for track, he said I great running form, but I never did. He even had the track couch come and watch me. But I chickened out and didn't go. I would run though, every once in a while. I was never very fast, but enjoyed the feeling of the pavement under my feet.
When I had Sariah, I would run in the evenings, up and down the long hill by my mother in laws house. It was my favorite run. I had a dog chase me once, he kept trying to beat me..I thought he was going to attack me. He followed me all the way home. I was upset when we moved to our house, I missed my old route.
Now, I have been struggling to get back into the game. You know, being asked four times in about two months if I was expecting has motivated me to get back into the game of running...
Running is hard, it isn't easy. You can't tie on your brand new running shoes and then expect to run a half marathon the first day. You have to build up, slow and steady. Sometimes, your run is amazing, and you feel like you can go farther than 10 miles, heck, you could run a marathon. And other days, you are lucky if that mile is in sight! But if you keep at it, the miles and the speed comes. And the air..I have to train my body to breathe. It isn't easy. My lungs tell me to stop, and my heart tells me it can't take another beat. But I keep going. Even if I have to start over at a mile, again and again. And who knows, maybe one day I'll be the one running the marathon, watching for my cheerleaders. And defying gravity.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Today
Today I woke up from a long night of glorious slumber and knew that I had to dare the something courageous I avoided it for two full hours. I took my time. Checked my email, looked on facebook, scanned Pinterest for the latest trend...and then I couldn't procrastinate any longer. I gathered all my wits about me(because I was going to need all of them) and plunged into the depths of my twelve year old daughter's room. I knew going in that it was going to take me to the pits, and it did Ladies. I was swallowed up by clothes, garbage and even a cockroach which was lurking behind the book shelf, and I almost touched it..scream here with me!. But I survived. Four and a half hours later, I emerged. This was after my special and enduring helper, little man decided he would add his own touch to his big sisters' room and painted on the wall. Luckily, I caught the little guy before paint was everywhere. (crying ensued, which was only cured by Sponge bob, a rice krispy and glass of milk, yes I bribe the stinker whenever possible)
This is the third time i have cleaned this disaster zone that is HER room. She is going to remain nameless today. She came home from school. i didn't expect praise. I expected tears, or at least a shock of surprise. I did not however expect ATTITUDE up the wazoo. Man, I feel like I won a war and only got a lousy pain in my um, rear to show for it. The thing is, I had asked and nagged, and begged, and threatened and pleaded with this child to clean up her room for months. When she got her new bed, we even tried to clean some of it out. (we being mainly me, while she sat and grouchily pushed around her mess) That was three garbage bags full of stuff. THREE. I kept asking her to clean it up, clean it up, CLEAN IT UP. I would get the dreaded eye rolling, the huffs, the stomping of the feet and slamming of the door. I would even get the plugging of her ears with her ipod. And I let it slip, I did. I am one of those mom's I suppose. But seriously, we are going to have company over in three days. They will be wading through my house, making themselves at home. If they managed to survive the trek into her room, they might have gotten lost in there. I didn't want to be responsible for their missing person report. Or to have to tell their mom I lost them somewhere in the jungle of my daughter's room. And I knew, with every fiber of my mommy nerve endings that she was not going to clean that room of her's no matter what I did. So, I broke down, and I did it. For four and a half hours.
And I received a mountain of twelve year old angst for it.
Thank you, I deserve the MOM of the YEAR award.
I would like a large diet coke and a huge serving of french fries and Oreos for my troubles.
Or maybe four and a half hours to myself and a really good book...
or maybe both
This is the third time i have cleaned this disaster zone that is HER room. She is going to remain nameless today. She came home from school. i didn't expect praise. I expected tears, or at least a shock of surprise. I did not however expect ATTITUDE up the wazoo. Man, I feel like I won a war and only got a lousy pain in my um, rear to show for it. The thing is, I had asked and nagged, and begged, and threatened and pleaded with this child to clean up her room for months. When she got her new bed, we even tried to clean some of it out. (we being mainly me, while she sat and grouchily pushed around her mess) That was three garbage bags full of stuff. THREE. I kept asking her to clean it up, clean it up, CLEAN IT UP. I would get the dreaded eye rolling, the huffs, the stomping of the feet and slamming of the door. I would even get the plugging of her ears with her ipod. And I let it slip, I did. I am one of those mom's I suppose. But seriously, we are going to have company over in three days. They will be wading through my house, making themselves at home. If they managed to survive the trek into her room, they might have gotten lost in there. I didn't want to be responsible for their missing person report. Or to have to tell their mom I lost them somewhere in the jungle of my daughter's room. And I knew, with every fiber of my mommy nerve endings that she was not going to clean that room of her's no matter what I did. So, I broke down, and I did it. For four and a half hours.
And I received a mountain of twelve year old angst for it.
Thank you, I deserve the MOM of the YEAR award.
I would like a large diet coke and a huge serving of french fries and Oreos for my troubles.
Or maybe four and a half hours to myself and a really good book...
or maybe both
Thursday, September 27, 2012
This to shall pass
First off.
Thank You. Two of the most important words I can ever express to you three that responded to my last post. Thank you. I needed you, and you were there for me. Why can't you guys live closer to me? Seriously.
I have had a lovely weekend with my sisters and a cousin. We spent it in the splendor the mountains. Surrounded by all the trees that were bursting with color. I forget what Autumn looks like. We don't have much of one down here where I live. Usually, things just go from being dry to dull...I loved all the colors in the trees. Some were purple, red, yellow, and burnt orange. I forgot my camera, and my phone died, so I couldn't take any pictures, but when I close my eyes I can see those beautiful mountains, and I can take a deep breath. We live in a beautiful place.
I needed the weekend. I needed to relax and to be silly. I needed my sisters who buoy me up and who love me simply because I am me. I needed a few days to be EMILY and no one else. Not a mother, or wife. Just EMILY. I don't know if that is selfish. I love being a mother, I love the feel of chubby, sticky fingers going around my neck. I love the smiles my blue eyed boy gives me when he comes home from school, I love the talks my daughter and I have in our moments..and for the most part, I enjoy being a wife. But I missed being just me, sometimes I just miss being the me that I was before all of this.
I reflected a lot on my life in the small moments to myself. I wish I hadn't been so naive when I first stepped into that role. WIFE. I wish I would have wiped off my rose colored glasses a little sooner. I wish I had listened more to my heart, sometimes. I have been so angry this past year. Angry at Heavenly Father for giving me this long trial. (oh you mean marriage isn't all peaches and cream?) and I have had to grow, so achingly much. This past year has been one of the hardest in my life. I have had to endure a lot in my life. I wonder if anyone is enduring half as much. And I wonder if I can bare any thing. I wonder if any of this is worth the struggle.
And then I saw those beautiful mountains, changing like they do every year. In all their beauty, their time is short, they will loose some of that beauty. Those colors will fade and drift away. They will have to endure the harsh and cold winter..and suddenly, new buds grow, bright and green. And the cycle begins again. And I think, maybe it isn't an accident that there are things in nature that change all the time. And i think...maybe this too will pass. Maybe not now, maybe my time in winter isn't quite up, but maybe it's coming. And I can burst forth in radiant color.
I am heading into unknown territory with life and it terrifies me. But maybe now is the time to put my faith, that is literally the size of a seed to the test. Faith the size of a seed can move a mountain right?
Thank You. Two of the most important words I can ever express to you three that responded to my last post. Thank you. I needed you, and you were there for me. Why can't you guys live closer to me? Seriously.
I have had a lovely weekend with my sisters and a cousin. We spent it in the splendor the mountains. Surrounded by all the trees that were bursting with color. I forget what Autumn looks like. We don't have much of one down here where I live. Usually, things just go from being dry to dull...I loved all the colors in the trees. Some were purple, red, yellow, and burnt orange. I forgot my camera, and my phone died, so I couldn't take any pictures, but when I close my eyes I can see those beautiful mountains, and I can take a deep breath. We live in a beautiful place.
I needed the weekend. I needed to relax and to be silly. I needed my sisters who buoy me up and who love me simply because I am me. I needed a few days to be EMILY and no one else. Not a mother, or wife. Just EMILY. I don't know if that is selfish. I love being a mother, I love the feel of chubby, sticky fingers going around my neck. I love the smiles my blue eyed boy gives me when he comes home from school, I love the talks my daughter and I have in our moments..and for the most part, I enjoy being a wife. But I missed being just me, sometimes I just miss being the me that I was before all of this.
I reflected a lot on my life in the small moments to myself. I wish I hadn't been so naive when I first stepped into that role. WIFE. I wish I would have wiped off my rose colored glasses a little sooner. I wish I had listened more to my heart, sometimes. I have been so angry this past year. Angry at Heavenly Father for giving me this long trial. (oh you mean marriage isn't all peaches and cream?) and I have had to grow, so achingly much. This past year has been one of the hardest in my life. I have had to endure a lot in my life. I wonder if anyone is enduring half as much. And I wonder if I can bare any thing. I wonder if any of this is worth the struggle.
And then I saw those beautiful mountains, changing like they do every year. In all their beauty, their time is short, they will loose some of that beauty. Those colors will fade and drift away. They will have to endure the harsh and cold winter..and suddenly, new buds grow, bright and green. And the cycle begins again. And I think, maybe it isn't an accident that there are things in nature that change all the time. And i think...maybe this too will pass. Maybe not now, maybe my time in winter isn't quite up, but maybe it's coming. And I can burst forth in radiant color.
I am heading into unknown territory with life and it terrifies me. But maybe now is the time to put my faith, that is literally the size of a seed to the test. Faith the size of a seed can move a mountain right?
Thursday, September 13, 2012
a request
For anyone who happens to read my blog....
I have been struggling a lot lately. My faith is worn down.
I know this is a personal thing to ask. But, if you could.
Would you leave your testimony in the comments? I am struggling.
Please tell me about your faith.
I am worn thin and I don't know if I can stand on my own right now.
I have been struggling a lot lately. My faith is worn down.
I know this is a personal thing to ask. But, if you could.
Would you leave your testimony in the comments? I am struggling.
Please tell me about your faith.
I am worn thin and I don't know if I can stand on my own right now.
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