Choosing how to react...

I have had an interesting day. I will not go into details. Let's just say I have had better days all around. A while back, my husband had posted an article on our refrigerator. At the time, I was annoyed it was up. The article stated that we are masters of our reaction. That we choose how we are going to react to a situation. It isn't the situation it self that causes problems, it is how we choose to respon. I was annoyed by this article, at first...choosing my reaction. Now it makes more sense. Especially after today. I am not one to voice my opinions lightly. I don't usually tell people how I am really feeling...I am not usually very honest. When asked "how are you doing?" my response will most likely be "alright" "fine" when sometimes, in fact, I am not fine, or alright. I allow things to bother me, yet I refuse to do anything about it. I just simmer...I am a push over. So, today. The situation which presented itself could be reacted too in two very different ways. My first response was to be angry, and to respond in anger. Spout out what I thought was right, justified and a long time coming. I wrote a response three times. Each time, I felt myself getting more and more angry, more and more hurt, and deep down, I knew that I couldn't, wouldn't send my reply. It was not right. I couldn't, in all integrity send any of my messages. I wouldn't have felt right, it would have sat on my shoulders weighing me down for far too long. So, I walked away from the computer, cleaned some of my house. Talked with some friends, and then came back to the situation. I felt at a loss. I didn't know how to react, once the anger subsided. My choice. Ah, the very essence of this report. I ignored my anger, I ignored the indignity of this situation. Although my whole being wanted to fight, shout, say cuss words and just plain be mean had to be swept under the rug, as they say. I had to take the high road. The high road being to not react...I know that we all are placed in situations that call for us to choose. The moment I allowed myself to be angry, was the moment I chose my reaction. But in choosing that anger, and then taking a step back liberated myself from the wrong choice. The snowball effect would have been more like an avalanche if I had gone with my first response and had replied to this situation in anger. Instead, I sit calmly, here at my computer knowing that at least this time, I reacted how I would expect anyone else to react. I want to be a responsible, amiable, caring adult. I hope that I have learned from this day. I hope that in the future when my first response is anger, that i will allow myself the few moments to slow down and think about how my reaction will affect my life, and those lives around me. Because, it might be my life, but it certainly isn't just my life that I affect every time I react. So, maybe tonight I will get the rest I need, and maybe, just maybe things will look better in the morning....

I did it. I ran 9.2 miles. I didn't think that i would make it. But for me, running is more a mental test than a physical test. Thus the reason I was stuck at six miles. My friend invited me to run with her. I was freaked out all week. I thought about ditching her at the last minute, because I have never gone nine miles. Ever! So, this morning, I did it. It took a little longer than I was expecting. But don't ask me what I was expecting, because honestly I didn't know. But the mental barrier was gone. I knew, deep down that I could do this. And I did. It really is all about what our minds think. If we let ourselves think about failure, than we fail. Today, i thought..hey I can do this. Seriously wasn't as hard as I thought. And I'm thinking...why didn't I try this before? The run was stunning. I wanted to take pictures, it was beautiful all the way down. so, more than ever, I believe that I can do this. I can achieve my goal. Yep, I can. It's all about turning 30 ! HA!

So here's the deal. I hate, absolutely hate when people talk down to me. (and no I am not referring to height difference.) I would like to think that I am a pretty smart person. I might not be the smartest person in the world, and I might not understand everything there is to know and understand. But I have a fairly decent brain. If I ask you a question, it's because I want to know more, not because I am stupid. If I don't comprehend a subject right at the first, I am willing to learn. I am quiet in my reflections most of the time. I don't exert myself too much. I am more of a listener than a fighter. Okay. This does not in any way mean that I don't know anything. My thoughts are my OWN. Please, if you talk to me, treat me like a human being. Treat me with respect, as I would to you. I have been a mother for ten years now, I have been a wife for 11 and I have been a person for 30 years. Value that, respect that. See me as a person who is worthy of that respect. The church that I am a member of has taught me that women are a valued part of this world. That our Father in Heaven deeply respects women. That we are esteemed beyond measure. We hold the children of this world, of this future in our arms. We have gentle hearts. That does not mean that we are weaker or less important than men. NO, if I dare say, this gives us more power. More understanding, and more respect. So, just because I might not understand things right away, please don't assume that I am stupid or beneath you in anyway. I deserve to have respect, and by golly if that means that I have assert myself and finally shout, then I will!!!!! I am WOMAN hear me ROAR!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, oh the big Three O!

Okay, so I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life. A lot of time. Blah, blah, blah. Can I just say, I'm really excited about turning thirty! THIRTY! I don't know why exactly. Maybe, part of me is excited because when I say 30, it sounds grown up. I'm going out of my twenties, which by and far weren't all bad, but I'm excited about starting a new decade in my life. Maybe part of the excitement is the fact that when people hear that I am 30, they will look at me like an adult? I have had many, many times when I have been mistaken for a teenager, still. STILL. I have smile lines around my eyes and mouth, I have had four children...I am not a teenager anymore. I view turning 30 as shedding my skin, letting go of my past and plunging into the future. To make this decade the best of my life. Heck, a lot of things will happen in the next ten years....such as, my daughter will be in Junior high and High school. She'll turn 16, and drive, date..shudder. She'll graduate when she is 17, I'll only be 37. My sons will both be baptized, Luke will be set apart as a priesthood holder. Ethan will start school. I will hopefully...no, not hopefully, I will set and accomplish all my goals. I seriously am so excited about 30. Some of the goals I have are simple. Like, standing up for myself more, I tend to be a little too meek at times...so, believing in myself is a big thing. HUGE. Another is to run the St. George Marathon this year, (and I expect everyone to come and cheer me on, got that? So book your rooms now so you can make it!) I want to learn a new language..actually, five! Yes, five. I figure I could do that in ten years. Think how accomplished I will seem! :) I also want to be a better member of the church. I have been slacking a lot lately. It's so very easy to not do things. But I resolve to do better. Anyway, turning 30 just means finally learning who I am, who I can be, who I have turned out to be...and so far, I'm not to shabby! So, good-bye 29, and hello 30!

P.S. I would like to thank anyone who thought of me the past month, owing to my last post, I haven't had much to say, and when I did, I wasn't sure how to put it...but there was a day when I felt those prayers and those thoughts. It was a brilliant and wonderful day! So, thank you! I felt the power of prayer that day. THANK YOU!

Where's the love?

I have been in a bad mood the past couple of days. Very bad mood and I hate that. I have been in some dark places in my life, and I have fought like hell to get out of one the past year and a half. (Excuse the swearing, please.) I have a tendency to keep things in, to not let others know how I am actually doing. This I suppose, comes from my self proclaimed position in life. I was always the listener, never the doer. I could give people advice, and I might add my advice is usually sound, but for myself, I seem to have no clue what to do. Anyway, I have struggled with my self worth my whole life. That might seem a little dramatic, but it's true. I have the journals to prove it. I have the memories to prove it. I determined last year that enough was ENOUGH. I wasn't going to place my self worth on what others thought of me, or what I might perceive that others were thinking about me. I'm pretty sure that people really didn't think of me as often as I thought...and if they even noticed me, I'm sure they weren't thinking what I thought they were thinking.....so I started to search and to discover what made me, me. It took about five months to start believing in myself. The first time I ran without stopping was a huge accomplishment. When I sat at the piano and started singing a hymn and realizing that I could sing all the high notes and actually sounded wonderful was a first for me, my singing improved and I started believing that I was a good singer. I started writing my novel again, and this time, I knew that I could do it, and that it didn't matter if it was well written, I was finally writing just for me again. I was able to look in the mirror and not see my flaws, but see that I was beautiful. Maybe not in the worldly sense, but in my own mind. I doubt very much that I am beautiful to the world, but I am finally able to realize that it doesn't matter what the world sees, but what I see in myself. So, one might ask, why is she in a bad mood? Because I can feel myself falling back to the old Emily. The pushover, the nerd, the lonely and scared Emily. I don't want to go back. I really don't. But here I am. I was always telling myself that tomorrow was the day I would start, tomorrow was the day I would get things accomplished...I am back to the old tomorrow syndrome. Please don't let me get there again. Please encourage and pray for me. Maybe I shouldn't ask, there are several people out there who need prayers and encouragement more than I, but please, if you think of me, just send a silent hello (or not so silent hello) to me. I promise to do better. I promise to not give up....just cheer me on. :)

No excuses, No boundaries

Mantra: Hinduism, a sacred verbal formula repeated in prayer, meditation, or incantation. 2. A commonly repeated word or phrase.

My lovely, beautiful and determined sister, Jeni, asked if I wanted to started a diet and exercise program with her. I said, sure. Well, after failing this past week in the diet department I decided that I need to figure out what I should be doing. I am all about excuses. It's too hot, I'm tired, I need to clean my house, I have a headache...and so on. It occurred to me that I need to change my attitude, thus changing myself and achieving the things that I have wanted to do but have never finished. Alas, I am a procrastinator, the bane of my existence. I am very good at postponing, very good. I excel in this. But what good has it done me? Gaining almost thirty pounds in one year two years ago, and I'm still trying to get it off. I have about fifteen pounds left. So, what to do? I needed a mantra. I needed something to motivate me. I need to be strong. So, No EXCUSES! Think about it, if you didn't have any excuse, none whatsoever, what could you accomplish? What could you gain? When you leave the excuses at the door, what is there for you ahead? NO BOUNDARIES. That's right. Boundaries are gone. Because there is no excuse to forgo, there is nothing standing in your way when you declare, No excuses. Why? Because excuses hold you back, they get in the way. They make us weak, they make us delinquent, they bring us down, they destroy our spirit, they weigh on us...excuses. Yuck! This week, although I haven't done the best at eating, I have made no excuses when it came to exercise. I exercised every day, no matter what. I didn't allow the excuses of not doing it to overrule me. I exercised every single day...and what did that get me? Three pounds, three lovely pounds gone. No excuses, no boundaries, no excuses, no boundaries...NO EXCUSES NO BOUNDARIES!

Frustration thy name is...October!

Tis the season to be frustrated! Why you might ask me? How do I hate thee, let me count the ways....

1. Stores are getting ready for Christmas, totally by passing my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving.

2. It's still not cool enough to wear my sweaters

3. still too hot to run outside at four in the afternoon

4. Coughs are just not fun to have when you get that itch even water can't appease.

5. spelling words wrong.

6. getting booed...I don't mind the treats, but what to do for the three people I have yet to boo? paper plates with a mound of frosting? Could work.

7. my car which likes to die on me.

8. the sound of the lawn mower going off bright and early every monday..still.

9. getting stir crazy

10. figuring out how to sew a Cleopatra costume and having no clue how to sew..

11. Making a Jedi Cloak, did I mention I don't know how to sew?

12. Halloween.

13. Halloween

14. Did I mention, Halloween? It is my least favorite "holiday" I hate it!

15. The 25 cup cakes I must have eaten all by myself this past week..... seriously.